Sunday, October 29, 2006
CUBS DON'T WIN WORLD SERIES!!
Cardinal fans have been bouncing about since their world series championship Friday much like a small dog.......LOOK! LOOK! WE WON! SEE?! DO YA SEE ME?! WE WON! THE CUBS DIDN'T!! LOOK! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME?! HUH? HUH? SEE ME?! SEE?!! I would not be surprised if in their excitement a few of them peed in the floor. Which would be great because it would be a perfect opportunity to smack them in the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I would like to remind all Cardinal fans at this time, tho, that although their "Cardinal nation" may be successful and quite cute, Midwestern entity, the Cubs are universal. In fact, God is a Cub fan. There I said it. Why, you ask?
Cub fans represent all God's children and their different faiths. For example:
Cub fans are like Protestants - Protestantism is about denying oneself pleasure. Well, not entirely, you are allowed to enjoy yourself within limits. Therefore, we are allowed to enjoy individual games during the season with the understanding that celebrating the big victory of a World Series championship would be sinful.
Cub fans are like Catholics - Ritual and tradition. Even if it ceases to make sense. The Cub players are our saints and the current manager the Pope. We have our idols and our ceremonies. And if we get too carried away, we confess! Voila!
Cub fans are like the Jews - The Cubs have a diaspora too. We are spread out all over the globe. We are blamed for everything. We suffer. We enjoy it. Through it all, we deal with all the bad things(losing, curses etc...) because we are the chosen people.
Cub fans are like Hindus - It's all about the Kharma baby. My guess is that we as Cub fans in previous lives have built up a ton of negative kharma and, in our reincarnated state, have returned to suffer for our past lives. On the other hand, what a great way to get back in the harmony of the universe. You should shed a lot of negative baggage this way.
Cub fans are like Buddhists - We think about things. Why the world is so cruel? Why are we denied? What is a curse? Some even look like Buddha with their beer bellies out in the bleachers on a hot summer day.
Cub fans are like Muslims - Everyone else is an infidel. Each spring we strap the Cubs on our back and go forth into the season with great hope. And by every fall, the team explodes destroying all our dreams that this will finally be the year. As painful as this may be, we are martyrs and will return next year for the same.
There you have it, the faithful Cub fan is the most representative of all God's children. Don't believe me? Well, it's in the Bible. Where? What do I look like a priest? Find it yourself..........oh alright:
1st Illinoisians Chapter 19 Verse 69
Lo! In the land of plenty there will exist a people who will be denied every fall their fondest hopes and dreams. They shall have a whole winter to despair. Hark! Then spring shall come and the rebirth of their hopes with it. They shall be faithful. They shall be given the strength to endure the slurs of their opponents. And for all their earthly suffering, they will be awarded a prize of box seats behind the 3rd base dugout in the stadium of Heaven. They shall be served roasted peanuts(and you know where they will be roasted) by those who tormented them during their earthly lives. And all will be right in the kingdom of DA GOD! GO CUBS!
I would like to remind all Cardinal fans at this time, tho, that although their "Cardinal nation" may be successful and quite cute, Midwestern entity, the Cubs are universal. In fact, God is a Cub fan. There I said it. Why, you ask?
Cub fans represent all God's children and their different faiths. For example:
Cub fans are like Protestants - Protestantism is about denying oneself pleasure. Well, not entirely, you are allowed to enjoy yourself within limits. Therefore, we are allowed to enjoy individual games during the season with the understanding that celebrating the big victory of a World Series championship would be sinful.
Cub fans are like Catholics - Ritual and tradition. Even if it ceases to make sense. The Cub players are our saints and the current manager the Pope. We have our idols and our ceremonies. And if we get too carried away, we confess! Voila!
Cub fans are like the Jews - The Cubs have a diaspora too. We are spread out all over the globe. We are blamed for everything. We suffer. We enjoy it. Through it all, we deal with all the bad things(losing, curses etc...) because we are the chosen people.
Cub fans are like Hindus - It's all about the Kharma baby. My guess is that we as Cub fans in previous lives have built up a ton of negative kharma and, in our reincarnated state, have returned to suffer for our past lives. On the other hand, what a great way to get back in the harmony of the universe. You should shed a lot of negative baggage this way.
Cub fans are like Buddhists - We think about things. Why the world is so cruel? Why are we denied? What is a curse? Some even look like Buddha with their beer bellies out in the bleachers on a hot summer day.
Cub fans are like Muslims - Everyone else is an infidel. Each spring we strap the Cubs on our back and go forth into the season with great hope. And by every fall, the team explodes destroying all our dreams that this will finally be the year. As painful as this may be, we are martyrs and will return next year for the same.
There you have it, the faithful Cub fan is the most representative of all God's children. Don't believe me? Well, it's in the Bible. Where? What do I look like a priest? Find it yourself..........oh alright:
1st Illinoisians Chapter 19 Verse 69
Lo! In the land of plenty there will exist a people who will be denied every fall their fondest hopes and dreams. They shall have a whole winter to despair. Hark! Then spring shall come and the rebirth of their hopes with it. They shall be faithful. They shall be given the strength to endure the slurs of their opponents. And for all their earthly suffering, they will be awarded a prize of box seats behind the 3rd base dugout in the stadium of Heaven. They shall be served roasted peanuts(and you know where they will be roasted) by those who tormented them during their earthly lives. And all will be right in the kingdom of DA GOD! GO CUBS!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
PENOLOPE TAKES A JUMP TO THE LEFT
you be the judge. all she needs is a little colorful cap. and she would:
take just a jump to the left
and then a step to the riiiiiiight
put your hands on your hips
and pull your knees in tiiight
then do the pelvic thruuuusst
that drives you insay yay yay yay yane
LET'S DO!
THE TIME WARP!
AGAIN!!!!
SNATCH THAT BABY UPDATE!
Although TEAM SATAN(Jolie, Pitt) are still far ahead with two adoptees, one "natural", and one stolen husband; this week belonged to TEAM MATERIAL GIRL.
After getting some bad press for her snatch and grab of the lil Malawian boy, the ever-resourceful Madonna, turned to talk show giant Oprah for a PR assist. Oprah seems to have given her tacit approval to what occurred and who is gonna argue with Oprah. Is TEAM MATERIAL GIRL big enough for both their egos? Time will tell. Meanwhile, husband Guy Ritchie has been strangely silent on this whole affair. Watch out Madge! Jolie may think another husband would be a nice collectible too.
Speaking of the evil one. Brangelina's next stop on the baby grab bag tour is India and, of course, they are hot on the trail of an Indian baby. This is what I read at inhome.rediff.com:
Talking about the celebrity couple's latest adoption plans, a source told US magazine Globe, "Whichever they end up with, they'd like to name the child India to honour its homeland."
thank GOD they did not adopt a kid from Liechtenstein! So TEAM Satan remains on the offensive.
TEAM HILLBILLY is still brining up the rear. Cletus and the lovely Britney seem to be having difficulty even naming son number two. It was supposed Sutton Pierce(which reminds me of a gourment grocery store in Bethesda Md Sutton Place) but then Jayden James but THEN Jailyn James. I would stick with the last one, as I think it would be a nice bit of foreshadowing. But, hey, they need to get on the stick and get out there. Babies are to be had ya know.
Finally, we need hosts for this new show. I think Woody Allen and Mia Farrow should reunite. I bet with the right amount of cash we could woo them.
After getting some bad press for her snatch and grab of the lil Malawian boy, the ever-resourceful Madonna, turned to talk show giant Oprah for a PR assist. Oprah seems to have given her tacit approval to what occurred and who is gonna argue with Oprah. Is TEAM MATERIAL GIRL big enough for both their egos? Time will tell. Meanwhile, husband Guy Ritchie has been strangely silent on this whole affair. Watch out Madge! Jolie may think another husband would be a nice collectible too.
Speaking of the evil one. Brangelina's next stop on the baby grab bag tour is India and, of course, they are hot on the trail of an Indian baby. This is what I read at inhome.rediff.com:
Talking about the celebrity couple's latest adoption plans, a source told US magazine Globe, "Whichever they end up with, they'd like to name the child India to honour its homeland."
thank GOD they did not adopt a kid from Liechtenstein! So TEAM Satan remains on the offensive.
TEAM HILLBILLY is still brining up the rear. Cletus and the lovely Britney seem to be having difficulty even naming son number two. It was supposed Sutton Pierce(which reminds me of a gourment grocery store in Bethesda Md Sutton Place) but then Jayden James but THEN Jailyn James. I would stick with the last one, as I think it would be a nice bit of foreshadowing. But, hey, they need to get on the stick and get out there. Babies are to be had ya know.
Finally, we need hosts for this new show. I think Woody Allen and Mia Farrow should reunite. I bet with the right amount of cash we could woo them.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
MADONNA MUSCLES IN ON ANGELINA'S SOUL STEALING OPERATION
I am completely, fully, totally convinced that Angelina Jolie and now evil henchman husband Brad Pitt(who must be under some sort of spell) are travelling the world and stealing the souls of the planet's children. Proof? Well, just look at her. She's evils I tells ya!
Now Mrs Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie is getting into the act by kidnapping, er make that, adopting a 13 month old boy from the African nation of Malawi. She has evidently had her minions whisk the child "out of Africa" and to England.
I look for a new reality series at least by next fall that pits Team Madonna versus Team Jolie in a race to see how many souls of small children each can collect. The winner gets to rule the world.
THIS JUST IN! azcentral.com is now reporting Britney Spears is "interested" in african babies as well. OMG! I guess we would have to add Team Hillbilly to vie for the title now too. YIKES!
Now Mrs Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie is getting into the act by kidnapping, er make that, adopting a 13 month old boy from the African nation of Malawi. She has evidently had her minions whisk the child "out of Africa" and to England.
I look for a new reality series at least by next fall that pits Team Madonna versus Team Jolie in a race to see how many souls of small children each can collect. The winner gets to rule the world.
THIS JUST IN! azcentral.com is now reporting Britney Spears is "interested" in african babies as well. OMG! I guess we would have to add Team Hillbilly to vie for the title now too. YIKES!
DUMBER BUT NOT THE DUMBEST!
Illinois dropped three spots in Morgan Quitno Press' ranking of the smartest states. We now are numero 35! Vermont is ranked as the smartest state. Arizona the dumbest. I blame our current governor for the slip in the polls. He is about to be re-elected despite the fact we have the highest poverty rate in the Midwest and the largest budget deficit of any state in the nation. Thanks ROD! What were we thinking?
hear es thee linc:
http://www.local6.com/education/10097048/detail.html
hear es thee linc:
http://www.local6.com/education/10097048/detail.html
Saturday, October 07, 2006
FEMA TO RUN CONCENTRATION CAMPS
Or so claims this website: www.rinf.com. If FEMA is running the camps, I don't see why anyone should be terribly worried. Of course, the story is not true but I can bet there are plenty of people out there who believe this "stuff".
Put your tin foil hats on before you read this! I can't even make up a story this "good".
There over 800 prison camps in the United States, all fully operational and ready to receive prisoners. They are all staffed and even surrounded by full-time guards, but they are all empty. These camps are to be operated by FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) should Martial Law need to be implemented in the United States and all it would take is a presidential signature on a proclamation and the attorney general’s signature on a warrant to which a list of names is attached. Ask yourself if you really want to be on Ashcroft’s list. This might make a tad more sense if Ashcroft were still the Attorney General. I believe this site is run out of England but I think they need to pay a wee bit more attention to American government.
ILLINOIS
Marseilles - Located on the Illinois River off Interstate 80 on Hwy 6. It is a relatively small facility with a cap of 1400 prisoners. Though it is small it is designed like prison facilities with barred windows, but the real smoking gun is the presence of military vehicles. Being located on the Illinois River it is possible that prisoners will be brought in by water as well as by road and air. This facility is approximately 75 miles west of Chicago. National Guard training area nearby. Scott AFB - Barbed wire prisoner enclosure reported to exist just off-base. More info needed, as another facility on-base is beieved to exist. Pekin - This Federal satellite prison camp is also on the Illinois River, just south of Peoria. It supplements the federal penitentiary in Marion, which is equipped to handle additional population outside on the grounds. Chanute AFB - Rantoul, near Champaign/Urbana - This closed base had WWII - era barracks that were condemned and torn down, but the medical facility was upgraded and additional fencing put up in the area. More info needed. Marion - Federal Penitentiary and satellite prison camp inside Crab Orchard Nat’l Wildlife Refuge. Manned, staffed, populated fully. Greenfield - Two federal correctional “satellite prison camps” serving Marion - populated as above. Shawnee National Forest - Pope County - This area has seen heavy traffic of foreign military equipment and troops via Illinois Central Railroad, which runs through the area. Suspected location is unknown, but may be close to Vienna and Shawnee correctional centers, located 6 mi. west of Dixon Springs. Savanna Army Depot - NW area of state on Mississippi River. Lincoln, Sheridan, Menard, Pontiac, Galesburg - State prison facilities equipped for major expansion and close or adjacent to highways & railroad tracks. Kankakee - Abandoned industrial area on west side of town (Rt.17 & Main) designated as FEMA detention site. Equipped with water tower, incinerator, a small train yard behind it and the rear of the facility is surrounded by barbed wire facing inwards.
Well, Illinois figures very prominently in this scheme. Glad to see our state is being pro-active in some aspect. Even if it is an "evil" plot to thwart our civil liberties.
Put your tin foil hats on before you read this! I can't even make up a story this "good".
There over 800 prison camps in the United States, all fully operational and ready to receive prisoners. They are all staffed and even surrounded by full-time guards, but they are all empty. These camps are to be operated by FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) should Martial Law need to be implemented in the United States and all it would take is a presidential signature on a proclamation and the attorney general’s signature on a warrant to which a list of names is attached. Ask yourself if you really want to be on Ashcroft’s list. This might make a tad more sense if Ashcroft were still the Attorney General. I believe this site is run out of England but I think they need to pay a wee bit more attention to American government.
ILLINOIS
Marseilles - Located on the Illinois River off Interstate 80 on Hwy 6. It is a relatively small facility with a cap of 1400 prisoners. Though it is small it is designed like prison facilities with barred windows, but the real smoking gun is the presence of military vehicles. Being located on the Illinois River it is possible that prisoners will be brought in by water as well as by road and air. This facility is approximately 75 miles west of Chicago. National Guard training area nearby. Scott AFB - Barbed wire prisoner enclosure reported to exist just off-base. More info needed, as another facility on-base is beieved to exist. Pekin - This Federal satellite prison camp is also on the Illinois River, just south of Peoria. It supplements the federal penitentiary in Marion, which is equipped to handle additional population outside on the grounds. Chanute AFB - Rantoul, near Champaign/Urbana - This closed base had WWII - era barracks that were condemned and torn down, but the medical facility was upgraded and additional fencing put up in the area. More info needed. Marion - Federal Penitentiary and satellite prison camp inside Crab Orchard Nat’l Wildlife Refuge. Manned, staffed, populated fully. Greenfield - Two federal correctional “satellite prison camps” serving Marion - populated as above. Shawnee National Forest - Pope County - This area has seen heavy traffic of foreign military equipment and troops via Illinois Central Railroad, which runs through the area. Suspected location is unknown, but may be close to Vienna and Shawnee correctional centers, located 6 mi. west of Dixon Springs. Savanna Army Depot - NW area of state on Mississippi River. Lincoln, Sheridan, Menard, Pontiac, Galesburg - State prison facilities equipped for major expansion and close or adjacent to highways & railroad tracks. Kankakee - Abandoned industrial area on west side of town (Rt.17 & Main) designated as FEMA detention site. Equipped with water tower, incinerator, a small train yard behind it and the rear of the facility is surrounded by barbed wire facing inwards.
Well, Illinois figures very prominently in this scheme. Glad to see our state is being pro-active in some aspect. Even if it is an "evil" plot to thwart our civil liberties.
