pick a lil' blog a lil'

A continuation of hilarious headlines from my favorite website FARK.COM. See post below for Jan-April.

05/01/2006 American kids went from "Fat" to "Oh, my God it's moving towards me?"
05/03/2006 Invasive snail found in Minnesota. Everybody walk for your lives
05/03/2006 Big Oil: Gas is expensive due to limitied supply. Senators: Let's investigate. Big Oil: Oh look, we found some more oil that we didn't know we had
05/07/06 Cambridge, Mass., declares illegal immigrants are welcome, health care and education are free and police won't harass them. Too bad the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment is $1,400 a month and immigrants can't afford to live there
05/08/2006 If the mainstream media subjected the Council on Amercan Islamic Relations to a fraction of the scrutiny given the Duke Lacrosse team, CAIR would be totally discredited." Terrorism sucks
05/09/2006 In an effort to show that he is a safe, effective alternative to Ambien, Al Gore is touring the country with a documentary he made about global warming
05/10/2006 Twelve species of flies get federal protection. I think my horse just committed a hate crime
05/10/2006 Actual headline: "Chief Rabbi: Buffalo Meat Kosher." Chief Rabbi bring big good news to all Jewish Indians
05/11/2006 Today's rise in oil prices brought to you by *shakes magic 8-ball* some guy getting shot in Nigeria, repairs to a Texas refinery, the West's diplomatic confrontation with Iran, a thin supply cushion and the coming hurricane season
05/14/2006 Huntington Beach, CA, wins battle to call itself "Surf City". City council can now begin work on "two girls for every boy" initiative
05/15/2006 Saudi oil minister warns oil producers that prices could plummet. Oil producers immediately implement cost-cutting measures, including only lighting their cigars with $50 bills
05/17/2006 Paul and Heather McCartney to split up. Heather reported to be hopping mad
05/19/2006 Proposal to solve problems in two of the biggest news item this week: Move Florida's alligators to our border with Mexico
05/24/2006 Oil prices fall due to ...*shakes Magic 8-Ball*... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?
05/29/2006 Take heed, goldfish can think and feel. Your goldfish wants you to wear some clothes around the house, the wide-angle view effect is disturbing
05/31/2006 University professor claims neanderthals had cave raves. Still searching for fossilized glow sticks for positive proof
05/31/2006 Twenty-five things every New Yorker should know. Strangely, "We are not the center of the universe" missing from list
05/31/2006 Oil prices fall $2 due to...*shakes magic 8 ball*...U.S. opening talks with Iran. Ah hell, this thing's broken again
06/01/2006 Jeb Bush says adequate government hurricane response is "a lot harder when people line up in their Lexuses and Mercedes to get ice and water at a public distribution site when the Publix is open a block away"
06/09/2006 Oil prices now rising because of al-Zarqawi's death. You'd think his body was clogging the pipes, if it wasn't busy being dragged across television
06/11/2006 China unearthes largest ancient stone chimes dating back over 3,000 years which had hung on an emperor's porch and annoyed his neighbors
06/12/2006 Pooh tops survey of favorite animal characters, if only because he lends himself to so many jokes, and not just those that end with a Heffalump that clears the room
06/12/2006 Mummy returns from dead to rob convenience store. When caught had this to say: "Mmmm... MmmMMM"
06/13/2006 Coal's resurgence a boon to West Virginia, bringing with it signs of affluence like Starbucks, gated communities, teeth
06/14/2006 US to reveal interrogation tactics. Expected to include tickling with feather, pinching, poking, asking nicely
06/14/2006 Drunk man attacks coral snake with branches and beer bottles. Floridian 0, Coral Snake 1
06/16/2006 Places to flash your breasts: Spring break in Florida, Mardi Gras. Places not to flash your breasts: Our Lady of the Greenwood Catholic Church festival
06/16/2006 Bear gets inside home, makes off with 50 lbs of dog food. Last seen chasing small chuckwagon
06/17/2006 Bad: Losing control of your car. Worse: Car overturns and strikes a tree. Fark: Tree contained a large beehive and the bees don't know first aid
06/19/2006 Cat meat restaurant closed, Chairman Meow special no longer available
06/19/2006 Rest of country to Indiana: Use daylight-saving time. Indiana: Okay. Illinois: We're confused
06/22/2006 Two-part report on the evils of air conditioning. Part 1: It consumes too much energy. Next week: Air conditioning helped elect George Bush
06/23/2006 Kool of Kool and the Gang dies; attempted to smash through wall and surprise children with trademark "Oh yeah!"
06/26/2006 Boy George due back in court after failing to report to com-a com-a com-a com-a com-a community service
06/26/2006 New Orleans now under siege from a new threat: Marauding gangs of kleptomaniac transvestites
06/29/2006 U.S. economy grows at rate of 5.6 percent. Bush blamed
07/01/2006 America Jr. is 139 years old today. Happy Birthday Canada, you gay-loving, dope-smoking, gun-hating, no-Iraqing, funny talking, universal healthcaring, magnificent bastard
07/03/2006 NYTimes, 1776: "One if by land, two if by sea: Secret Lantern Signals of American Colonists Revealed"
07/06/2006 Oil prices at record high due to... *shakes magic eight ball*... Korean missile tests
07/08/2006 China and Russia to veto any United Nations sanction against North Korea, clearly proving the country hasn't done anything wrong and the U.N. is exactly the kind of spineless garbage that its critics have said it is for the last 60 years
07/10/2006 Three-story building collapse in Manhattan. No word on when mainstream media plans to give front page coverage to building collapses in Kansas, Iowa
07/10/2006 Russian farmer asks Pootie Poot to let him marry a cow. Ceremony expected to be moo-ving
07/10/2006 Today's reason for falling oil prices? Last week's record oil prices declared unjustified. No, really
07/12/2006 $1 million worth of maple syrup stolen in Quebec. Mrs. Butterworth wanted for questioning
07/15/2006 Scientist growing meat without the animals via tissue-engineering. Because Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O... D-N-A
07/18/2006 With a possibility of all-out war in the Middle East and a hurricane hitting the Gulf "Petro Coast," gas prices will hit $4.00 per gallon by Labor Day. Here comes the media scare-mongering
07/21/2006 The shih-tzu really hits the fan when flaming dog meat sets Chinese school on fire
07/22/2006 When circus clowns get into brawls with animal rights activists, everybody wins
07/24/2006 Gas prices rise to new record high, surging past "arm and leg" to what analysts call "prison rape" levels
07/25/2006 Global warming putting 12 U.S. national parks at risk, say environmentalists, adding the number rises to 13 if you consider Wisconsin to be Illinois' largest state park
07/29/2006 Oil companies keep gas supplies tight so prices stay high. Well ain't that a big 'ol duh
07/31/2006 Llamas hellp Israelli llegions by llifting lloads for Llebanon battlle

From the CBC website itself...............Oh Canada!:

One of the most notorious drunk drivers in the Ottawa area has been found not criminally responsible on his latest impaired driving charges because of a mental disorder that makes him believe female celebrities are controlling his actions.

Matt Brownlee was arrested last October after police spotted a pickup truck speeding along a busy street in downtown Ottawa.

The 33-year-old man told psychiatrists that he knew the legal repercussions of his actions, but believed singer Shania Twain was helping him drive.

He should have chose Dolly Parton.....then if he were in a wreck, there would be a couple of air bags to cushion the blow..........BA DOOM CHING!!!

Using a milkcrate to disguise yourself during a robbery is not the most functional or secretive selection......

Poor Boy Wonderless our current Governor elected in a mini-landslide by people obviously as oblivious as he conned by the Daily Show in February. I figure Blago doesn't recognize anyone other than those who bring him the checks for favors. Mr Rezko is that you?

From WBBM in Chicago:
(CBS) CHICAGO Gov. Rod Blagojevich said that he didn't realize it was all a big joke when Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" came to do a segment on him recently, a segment that, among other things, made fun of his last name and suggested he might be gay.

As CBS 2 Political Editor Mike Flannery reports, now it’s other candidates for governor who are having fun.“Now the whole world knows he’s clueless,” said Republican gubernatorial candidate Rod Gidwitz.

Blagojevich's "The Daily Show" interview focused on his executive order requiring pharmacies to fill prescriptions for emergency birth control. At one point, Blagojevich turned to an aide to ask if the interviewer was teasing him or serious.Blagojevich told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch on Wednesday that he had never seen "The Daily Show" before doing the interview, which aired two weeks ago.

Gidwitz was just one of those poking fun at Blagojevich’s claim he did not know what was going on. A spokesman for cable TV's Comedy Central said that when they book interviews for their fake news segments, they always say upfront that they are calling from "The Daily Show" with Jon Stewart. They declined to say anything more and seemed to want to stay out of the dispute.

Emergency birth control? Shouldn't have had the emergency sex.

These are photoshops submitted to the FARK.com website. Both winners in my "book".

From the Rockford Register Star:

Police investigate string of tire slashingsROCKFORD REGISTER STARROCKFORD — Police are investigating a series of tire slashings at the Faust Landmark Hotel that took place sometime Monday night or Tuesday morning.Rockford Deputy Police Chief Greg Lindmark said there have been 10 reports all made during the same time frame of motor vehicles having their tires slashed.“It’s obvious it was someone with a sharp object,” Lindmark said, adding that police did not have anyone in custody.

Do you think the Chief will get a raise? Look out Sherlock Holmes!

01/06/2006 Ariel Sharon is in grave condition, seems like a legit reason to raise oil prices
01/11/2006 Economists confident that oil prices will rise, fall or stay the same, depending on supply, demand, Iran, Russia and whether or not a butterfly flaps its wings somewhere
01/20/2006 Chinese company purchases Wham-O. Be on the look out for reissues of your favorites, hurra-hoop, sirry string and srip and sride
01/20/2006 Osama bin Laden's threats cause oil prices to rise. Oil companies apparently starting to build giant walls of $50s around their refineries for protection
01/23/2006 Man throws his legs at state troopers. Police up in arms
01/27/2006 Hamas wants to meet Abbas. Apparently is a huge fan of "Dancing Queen" and "Fernando"
01/30/2006 Religion of peace urged armed attacks on Denmark and Norway because they didn't find a cartoon funny
02/02/2006 Tanker runs aground in Alaska, prompting gas prices to rise. Exxon to start building a Death Star
02/04/2006 Danish embassy in Syria torched by Religion Of Peace™
02/06/2006 25,000-year-old cave drawings found in France. Archeologists report some of the drawings depict individuals waving white flags with their hands in the air
02/06/2006 Oil prices increase because of Iran's -- *shakes magic 8-ball* -- ending of UN checks of its nuclear sites and resumption of uranium enrichment
02/08/2006 Hamas 'ready to talk to Israel,' but only if Israel apologises for calling Hamas a big poopy face
02/15/2006 Several volunteer firefighters spontaneously erupt into ass-kicking contest while battling house fire. Ron Howard tenatively titles film "Backdraft Asskick: Electric Boogaloo"
02/15/2006 Oil falls below $60 a barrel. Surely we can blame this on the oil companies
02/16/2006 New research reveals King Tut preferred white wine. Also, not born in Arizona as previously reported
02/20/2006 Sign of the Apocalypse: Americans downright happy to be paying $2.30 gallon for gas
02/20/2006 Nurse who slapped colleague's face with frozen trout is fired. Ask why she did it, replies "for the halibut"
02/21/2006 Today's jump in oil prices are due to -- *shakes magic 8-ball* -- violence in Nigeria
02/24/2006 Hey, Batman, here's just something wrong with this headline: "Holy Shiite Tomb Attacked"
02/24/2006 Oil prices rise because attack on refinery in Saudi Arabia......(flips coin)... Fails
02/28/2006 Conneticut to implement elephant licensing. Revenues expected to surpass marmoset licensing
03/02/2006 Justice Ginsburg dozes off during oral arguments. Other justices promptly place her hand in a bowl of warm water
03/03/2006 Oil prices rise on -- *shakes Magic 8-ball* -- supply fears
03/08/2006 OPEC will (flips coin) NOT cut production amid (spins wheel, gets free spin) political instability and (spins wheel) terrorism fears
03/10/2006 Gas prices soar because of -- *shake shake shake* -- "production switch from winter- to summer-grade gasoline"
03/22/2006 "Ancient" tree 4,000 years younger than originally thought, says fake ID was for buying beer and cigarettes
03/25/2006 Freak hail storm follows rare tornado in Hawaii. Civil defense puts word out to find Brady kids and return the tiki
03/27/2006 Vegas oddsmakers, psychics, and the Department of Pulling Sh*t Out Of My Ass predict 2:1 odds that a Category 2 hurricane will nail Palm Beach
03/27/2006 Online grocery lists may now include human milk. Ethical questions include safety, Oreo dunking
03/30/2006 UN to Iran: "Gee, ummm, if you wouldn't mind, could you, like, stop enriching uranium. If not we'll, well, we might do something. Maybe." Iran to UN: "Die in a fire"
04/03/2006 Brace yourselves: Experts predict *GASP* higher gas prices this summer
04/10/2006 Prepare for $5.00 per gallon for gas this summer
04/12/2006 Gasoline prices rise due to... *throws chicken entrails*... political turmoil in Nigeria
04/13/2006 Hey, Minneapolis. That homeless illegal immigrant you raised money for so he could go back to Mexico was found breaking into a Boston home and armed with a knife. You can have him back now
04/14/2006 Mexicans to boycott US businesses on May 1, country expected to lose $37.00 in revenue
04/14/2006 Software Engineer named best job in America. Worst job remains "assistant crack whore"
04/15/2006 Tomatoes and carrots may lower asthma risk. it's getting them into that little inhaler that's the problem
04/18/2006 Gas stations installing TVs on pumps so drivers can watch news and weather as they fill up, although at $3 a gallon, it would probably be more appropriate to show selected scenes from "Deliverance" and "Midnight Express"
04/19/2006 Huge explosion in Kabul -- plume of white smoke signals new Afghan pope
04/19/2006 Pope Benedict XVI marks first anniversary of his papacy. Announces he will return as the voice of the pig in "Toy Story 3"
04/22/2006 Oil to rise to $90 a barrel. Donkey Kong threatens to go on strike
04/24/2006 European gas prices over $6.00/gal. Average European car doubles in value after fill-up
04/25/2006 Since European Union borders were opened in 2004, there are now more Poles in Britain than Warsaw, and every time a London escalator breaks down, dozens of people have to be rescued
04/25/2006 Cyclone Monica is ready to blow Australia, put on a blue dress
04/26/2006 Spanish Socialist Party introducing a bill to give apes the same rights as man. Charleton Heston heard shouting "You maniacs"
04/26/2006 So, Iran was like, Dude, if you attack me, I'll retaliate twice as hard. And the U.S. was like, No way, we'll retaliate plus one. And Iran was like, uh-uhh
04/27/2006 Twenty years later, Chernobyl deaths top 250,000, according to Greenpeace. Real death toll is more around 50, as in FIVE ZERO
04/27/2006 Having solved all other problems, Chicago's city council bans foie gras

I'm looking back thru stories from 2006. Lots of earth-shattering stuff going on. But who wants to remember that! Here's a tale from early, early in 2006. Courtesy of local6.com website and Dallas "all my exes live in" Texas:

Family members said 16-month-old Miranda Boll's new book, "Potty Time With Elmo," was supposed to teach an interactive lesson using voice commands.

However, when the book's buttons are pressed, it reportedly says something it is not supposed to -- "who wants to die?"
"It's a sick joke," mother Angela Bolls said. "If it's a joke then it's a bad one, you know? And it's not necessary. It's inappropriate."
Bolls said she checked another copy of the same book and found that it says something completely different; "Who wants to try to go potty?"
The company that makes the book said it has had several complaints concerning the book, according to the report.
Watch Local 6 News for more on this story.

Tough love baby. If it scared the poo out of 'em then quit your gripin'.