Sunday, December 31, 2006
THE YEAR IN FARK HEADLINES(MAY-JULY)
A continuation of hilarious headlines from my favorite website FARK.COM. See post below for Jan-April.
05/01/2006 American kids went from "Fat" to "Oh, my God it's moving towards me?"
05/03/2006 Invasive snail found in Minnesota. Everybody walk for your lives
05/03/2006 Big Oil: Gas is expensive due to limitied supply. Senators: Let's investigate. Big Oil: Oh look, we found some more oil that we didn't know we had
05/07/06 Cambridge, Mass., declares illegal immigrants are welcome, health care and education are free and police won't harass them. Too bad the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment is $1,400 a month and immigrants can't afford to live there
05/08/2006 If the mainstream media subjected the Council on Amercan Islamic Relations to a fraction of the scrutiny given the Duke Lacrosse team, CAIR would be totally discredited." Terrorism sucks
05/09/2006 In an effort to show that he is a safe, effective alternative to Ambien, Al Gore is touring the country with a documentary he made about global warming
05/10/2006 Twelve species of flies get federal protection. I think my horse just committed a hate crime
05/10/2006 Actual headline: "Chief Rabbi: Buffalo Meat Kosher." Chief Rabbi bring big good news to all Jewish Indians
05/11/2006 Today's rise in oil prices brought to you by *shakes magic 8-ball* some guy getting shot in Nigeria, repairs to a Texas refinery, the West's diplomatic confrontation with Iran, a thin supply cushion and the coming hurricane season
05/14/2006 Huntington Beach, CA, wins battle to call itself "Surf City". City council can now begin work on "two girls for every boy" initiative
05/15/2006 Saudi oil minister warns oil producers that prices could plummet. Oil producers immediately implement cost-cutting measures, including only lighting their cigars with $50 bills
05/17/2006 Paul and Heather McCartney to split up. Heather reported to be hopping mad
05/19/2006 Proposal to solve problems in two of the biggest news item this week: Move Florida's alligators to our border with Mexico
05/24/2006 Oil prices fall due to ...*shakes Magic 8-Ball*... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?
05/29/2006 Take heed, goldfish can think and feel. Your goldfish wants you to wear some clothes around the house, the wide-angle view effect is disturbing
05/31/2006 University professor claims neanderthals had cave raves. Still searching for fossilized glow sticks for positive proof
05/31/2006 Twenty-five things every New Yorker should know. Strangely, "We are not the center of the universe" missing from list
05/31/2006 Oil prices fall $2 due to...*shakes magic 8 ball*...U.S. opening talks with Iran. Ah hell, this thing's broken again
06/01/2006 Jeb Bush says adequate government hurricane response is "a lot harder when people line up in their Lexuses and Mercedes to get ice and water at a public distribution site when the Publix is open a block away"
06/09/2006 Oil prices now rising because of al-Zarqawi's death. You'd think his body was clogging the pipes, if it wasn't busy being dragged across television
06/11/2006 China unearthes largest ancient stone chimes dating back over 3,000 years which had hung on an emperor's porch and annoyed his neighbors
06/12/2006 Pooh tops survey of favorite animal characters, if only because he lends himself to so many jokes, and not just those that end with a Heffalump that clears the room
06/12/2006 Mummy returns from dead to rob convenience store. When caught had this to say: "Mmmm... MmmMMM"
06/13/2006 Coal's resurgence a boon to West Virginia, bringing with it signs of affluence like Starbucks, gated communities, teeth
06/14/2006 US to reveal interrogation tactics. Expected to include tickling with feather, pinching, poking, asking nicely
06/14/2006 Drunk man attacks coral snake with branches and beer bottles. Floridian 0, Coral Snake 1
06/16/2006 Places to flash your breasts: Spring break in Florida, Mardi Gras. Places not to flash your breasts: Our Lady of the Greenwood Catholic Church festival
06/16/2006 Bear gets inside home, makes off with 50 lbs of dog food. Last seen chasing small chuckwagon
06/17/2006 Bad: Losing control of your car. Worse: Car overturns and strikes a tree. Fark: Tree contained a large beehive and the bees don't know first aid
06/19/2006 Cat meat restaurant closed, Chairman Meow special no longer available
06/19/2006 Rest of country to Indiana: Use daylight-saving time. Indiana: Okay. Illinois: We're confused
06/22/2006 Two-part report on the evils of air conditioning. Part 1: It consumes too much energy. Next week: Air conditioning helped elect George Bush
06/23/2006 Kool of Kool and the Gang dies; attempted to smash through wall and surprise children with trademark "Oh yeah!"
06/26/2006 Boy George due back in court after failing to report to com-a com-a com-a com-a com-a community service
06/26/2006 New Orleans now under siege from a new threat: Marauding gangs of kleptomaniac transvestites
06/29/2006 U.S. economy grows at rate of 5.6 percent. Bush blamed
07/01/2006 America Jr. is 139 years old today. Happy Birthday Canada, you gay-loving, dope-smoking, gun-hating, no-Iraqing, funny talking, universal healthcaring, magnificent bastard
07/03/2006 NYTimes, 1776: "One if by land, two if by sea: Secret Lantern Signals of American Colonists Revealed"
07/06/2006 Oil prices at record high due to... *shakes magic eight ball*... Korean missile tests
07/08/2006 China and Russia to veto any United Nations sanction against North Korea, clearly proving the country hasn't done anything wrong and the U.N. is exactly the kind of spineless garbage that its critics have said it is for the last 60 years
07/10/2006 Three-story building collapse in Manhattan. No word on when mainstream media plans to give front page coverage to building collapses in Kansas, Iowa
07/10/2006 Russian farmer asks Pootie Poot to let him marry a cow. Ceremony expected to be moo-ving
07/10/2006 Today's reason for falling oil prices? Last week's record oil prices declared unjustified. No, really
07/12/2006 $1 million worth of maple syrup stolen in Quebec. Mrs. Butterworth wanted for questioning
07/15/2006 Scientist growing meat without the animals via tissue-engineering. Because Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O... D-N-A
07/18/2006 With a possibility of all-out war in the Middle East and a hurricane hitting the Gulf "Petro Coast," gas prices will hit $4.00 per gallon by Labor Day. Here comes the media scare-mongering
07/21/2006 The shih-tzu really hits the fan when flaming dog meat sets Chinese school on fire
07/22/2006 When circus clowns get into brawls with animal rights activists, everybody wins
07/24/2006 Gas prices rise to new record high, surging past "arm and leg" to what analysts call "prison rape" levels
07/25/2006 Global warming putting 12 U.S. national parks at risk, say environmentalists, adding the number rises to 13 if you consider Wisconsin to be Illinois' largest state park
07/29/2006 Oil companies keep gas supplies tight so prices stay high. Well ain't that a big 'ol duh
07/31/2006 Llamas hellp Israelli llegions by llifting lloads for Llebanon battlle
05/01/2006 American kids went from "Fat" to "Oh, my God it's moving towards me?"
05/03/2006 Invasive snail found in Minnesota. Everybody walk for your lives
05/03/2006 Big Oil: Gas is expensive due to limitied supply. Senators: Let's investigate. Big Oil: Oh look, we found some more oil that we didn't know we had
05/07/06 Cambridge, Mass., declares illegal immigrants are welcome, health care and education are free and police won't harass them. Too bad the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment is $1,400 a month and immigrants can't afford to live there
05/08/2006 If the mainstream media subjected the Council on Amercan Islamic Relations to a fraction of the scrutiny given the Duke Lacrosse team, CAIR would be totally discredited." Terrorism sucks
05/09/2006 In an effort to show that he is a safe, effective alternative to Ambien, Al Gore is touring the country with a documentary he made about global warming
05/10/2006 Twelve species of flies get federal protection. I think my horse just committed a hate crime
05/10/2006 Actual headline: "Chief Rabbi: Buffalo Meat Kosher." Chief Rabbi bring big good news to all Jewish Indians
05/11/2006 Today's rise in oil prices brought to you by *shakes magic 8-ball* some guy getting shot in Nigeria, repairs to a Texas refinery, the West's diplomatic confrontation with Iran, a thin supply cushion and the coming hurricane season
05/14/2006 Huntington Beach, CA, wins battle to call itself "Surf City". City council can now begin work on "two girls for every boy" initiative
05/15/2006 Saudi oil minister warns oil producers that prices could plummet. Oil producers immediately implement cost-cutting measures, including only lighting their cigars with $50 bills
05/17/2006 Paul and Heather McCartney to split up. Heather reported to be hopping mad
05/19/2006 Proposal to solve problems in two of the biggest news item this week: Move Florida's alligators to our border with Mexico
05/24/2006 Oil prices fall due to ...*shakes Magic 8-Ball*... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?
05/29/2006 Take heed, goldfish can think and feel. Your goldfish wants you to wear some clothes around the house, the wide-angle view effect is disturbing
05/31/2006 University professor claims neanderthals had cave raves. Still searching for fossilized glow sticks for positive proof
05/31/2006 Twenty-five things every New Yorker should know. Strangely, "We are not the center of the universe" missing from list
05/31/2006 Oil prices fall $2 due to...*shakes magic 8 ball*...U.S. opening talks with Iran. Ah hell, this thing's broken again
06/01/2006 Jeb Bush says adequate government hurricane response is "a lot harder when people line up in their Lexuses and Mercedes to get ice and water at a public distribution site when the Publix is open a block away"
06/09/2006 Oil prices now rising because of al-Zarqawi's death. You'd think his body was clogging the pipes, if it wasn't busy being dragged across television
06/11/2006 China unearthes largest ancient stone chimes dating back over 3,000 years which had hung on an emperor's porch and annoyed his neighbors
06/12/2006 Pooh tops survey of favorite animal characters, if only because he lends himself to so many jokes, and not just those that end with a Heffalump that clears the room
06/12/2006 Mummy returns from dead to rob convenience store. When caught had this to say: "Mmmm... MmmMMM"
06/13/2006 Coal's resurgence a boon to West Virginia, bringing with it signs of affluence like Starbucks, gated communities, teeth
06/14/2006 US to reveal interrogation tactics. Expected to include tickling with feather, pinching, poking, asking nicely
06/14/2006 Drunk man attacks coral snake with branches and beer bottles. Floridian 0, Coral Snake 1
06/16/2006 Places to flash your breasts: Spring break in Florida, Mardi Gras. Places not to flash your breasts: Our Lady of the Greenwood Catholic Church festival
06/16/2006 Bear gets inside home, makes off with 50 lbs of dog food. Last seen chasing small chuckwagon
06/17/2006 Bad: Losing control of your car. Worse: Car overturns and strikes a tree. Fark: Tree contained a large beehive and the bees don't know first aid
06/19/2006 Cat meat restaurant closed, Chairman Meow special no longer available
06/19/2006 Rest of country to Indiana: Use daylight-saving time. Indiana: Okay. Illinois: We're confused
06/22/2006 Two-part report on the evils of air conditioning. Part 1: It consumes too much energy. Next week: Air conditioning helped elect George Bush
06/23/2006 Kool of Kool and the Gang dies; attempted to smash through wall and surprise children with trademark "Oh yeah!"
06/26/2006 Boy George due back in court after failing to report to com-a com-a com-a com-a com-a community service
06/26/2006 New Orleans now under siege from a new threat: Marauding gangs of kleptomaniac transvestites
06/29/2006 U.S. economy grows at rate of 5.6 percent. Bush blamed
07/01/2006 America Jr. is 139 years old today. Happy Birthday Canada, you gay-loving, dope-smoking, gun-hating, no-Iraqing, funny talking, universal healthcaring, magnificent bastard
07/03/2006 NYTimes, 1776: "One if by land, two if by sea: Secret Lantern Signals of American Colonists Revealed"
07/06/2006 Oil prices at record high due to... *shakes magic eight ball*... Korean missile tests
07/08/2006 China and Russia to veto any United Nations sanction against North Korea, clearly proving the country hasn't done anything wrong and the U.N. is exactly the kind of spineless garbage that its critics have said it is for the last 60 years
07/10/2006 Three-story building collapse in Manhattan. No word on when mainstream media plans to give front page coverage to building collapses in Kansas, Iowa
07/10/2006 Russian farmer asks Pootie Poot to let him marry a cow. Ceremony expected to be moo-ving
07/10/2006 Today's reason for falling oil prices? Last week's record oil prices declared unjustified. No, really
07/12/2006 $1 million worth of maple syrup stolen in Quebec. Mrs. Butterworth wanted for questioning
07/15/2006 Scientist growing meat without the animals via tissue-engineering. Because Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O... D-N-A
07/18/2006 With a possibility of all-out war in the Middle East and a hurricane hitting the Gulf "Petro Coast," gas prices will hit $4.00 per gallon by Labor Day. Here comes the media scare-mongering
07/21/2006 The shih-tzu really hits the fan when flaming dog meat sets Chinese school on fire
07/22/2006 When circus clowns get into brawls with animal rights activists, everybody wins
07/24/2006 Gas prices rise to new record high, surging past "arm and leg" to what analysts call "prison rape" levels
07/25/2006 Global warming putting 12 U.S. national parks at risk, say environmentalists, adding the number rises to 13 if you consider Wisconsin to be Illinois' largest state park
07/29/2006 Oil companies keep gas supplies tight so prices stay high. Well ain't that a big 'ol duh
07/31/2006 Llamas hellp Israelli llegions by llifting lloads for Llebanon battlle
