Sunday, December 03, 2006
THE YEAR IN FARK HEADLINES(JAN-APRIL)
01/06/2006 Ariel Sharon is in grave condition, seems like a legit reason to raise oil prices
01/11/2006 Economists confident that oil prices will rise, fall or stay the same, depending on supply, demand, Iran, Russia and whether or not a butterfly flaps its wings somewhere
01/20/2006 Chinese company purchases Wham-O. Be on the look out for reissues of your favorites, hurra-hoop, sirry string and srip and sride
01/20/2006 Osama bin Laden's threats cause oil prices to rise. Oil companies apparently starting to build giant walls of $50s around their refineries for protection
01/23/2006 Man throws his legs at state troopers. Police up in arms
01/27/2006 Hamas wants to meet Abbas. Apparently is a huge fan of "Dancing Queen" and "Fernando"
01/30/2006 Religion of peace urged armed attacks on Denmark and Norway because they didn't find a cartoon funny
02/02/2006 Tanker runs aground in Alaska, prompting gas prices to rise. Exxon to start building a Death Star
02/04/2006 Danish embassy in Syria torched by Religion Of Peace™
02/06/2006 25,000-year-old cave drawings found in France. Archeologists report some of the drawings depict individuals waving white flags with their hands in the air
02/06/2006 Oil prices increase because of Iran's -- *shakes magic 8-ball* -- ending of UN checks of its nuclear sites and resumption of uranium enrichment
02/08/2006 Hamas 'ready to talk to Israel,' but only if Israel apologises for calling Hamas a big poopy face
02/15/2006 Several volunteer firefighters spontaneously erupt into ass-kicking contest while battling house fire. Ron Howard tenatively titles film "Backdraft Asskick: Electric Boogaloo"
02/15/2006 Oil falls below $60 a barrel. Surely we can blame this on the oil companies
02/16/2006 New research reveals King Tut preferred white wine. Also, not born in Arizona as previously reported
02/20/2006 Sign of the Apocalypse: Americans downright happy to be paying $2.30 gallon for gas
02/20/2006 Nurse who slapped colleague's face with frozen trout is fired. Ask why she did it, replies "for the halibut"
02/21/2006 Today's jump in oil prices are due to -- *shakes magic 8-ball* -- violence in Nigeria
02/24/2006 Hey, Batman, here's just something wrong with this headline: "Holy Shiite Tomb Attacked"
02/24/2006 Oil prices rise because attack on refinery in Saudi Arabia......(flips coin)... Fails
02/28/2006 Conneticut to implement elephant licensing. Revenues expected to surpass marmoset licensing
03/02/2006 Justice Ginsburg dozes off during oral arguments. Other justices promptly place her hand in a bowl of warm water
03/03/2006 Oil prices rise on -- *shakes Magic 8-ball* -- supply fears
03/08/2006 OPEC will (flips coin) NOT cut production amid (spins wheel, gets free spin) political instability and (spins wheel) terrorism fears
03/10/2006 Gas prices soar because of -- *shake shake shake* -- "production switch from winter- to summer-grade gasoline"
03/22/2006 "Ancient" tree 4,000 years younger than originally thought, says fake ID was for buying beer and cigarettes
03/25/2006 Freak hail storm follows rare tornado in Hawaii. Civil defense puts word out to find Brady kids and return the tiki
03/27/2006 Vegas oddsmakers, psychics, and the Department of Pulling Sh*t Out Of My Ass predict 2:1 odds that a Category 2 hurricane will nail Palm Beach
03/27/2006 Online grocery lists may now include human milk. Ethical questions include safety, Oreo dunking
03/30/2006 UN to Iran: "Gee, ummm, if you wouldn't mind, could you, like, stop enriching uranium. If not we'll, well, we might do something. Maybe." Iran to UN: "Die in a fire"
04/03/2006 Brace yourselves: Experts predict *GASP* higher gas prices this summer
04/10/2006 Prepare for $5.00 per gallon for gas this summer
04/12/2006 Gasoline prices rise due to... *throws chicken entrails*... political turmoil in Nigeria
04/13/2006 Hey, Minneapolis. That homeless illegal immigrant you raised money for so he could go back to Mexico was found breaking into a Boston home and armed with a knife. You can have him back now
04/14/2006 Mexicans to boycott US businesses on May 1, country expected to lose $37.00 in revenue
04/14/2006 Software Engineer named best job in America. Worst job remains "assistant crack whore"
04/15/2006 Tomatoes and carrots may lower asthma risk. it's getting them into that little inhaler that's the problem
04/18/2006 Gas stations installing TVs on pumps so drivers can watch news and weather as they fill up, although at $3 a gallon, it would probably be more appropriate to show selected scenes from "Deliverance" and "Midnight Express"
04/19/2006 Huge explosion in Kabul -- plume of white smoke signals new Afghan pope
04/19/2006 Pope Benedict XVI marks first anniversary of his papacy. Announces he will return as the voice of the pig in "Toy Story 3"
04/22/2006 Oil to rise to $90 a barrel. Donkey Kong threatens to go on strike
04/24/2006 European gas prices over $6.00/gal. Average European car doubles in value after fill-up
04/25/2006 Since European Union borders were opened in 2004, there are now more Poles in Britain than Warsaw, and every time a London escalator breaks down, dozens of people have to be rescued
04/25/2006 Cyclone Monica is ready to blow Australia, put on a blue dress
04/26/2006 Spanish Socialist Party introducing a bill to give apes the same rights as man. Charleton Heston heard shouting "You maniacs"
04/26/2006 So, Iran was like, Dude, if you attack me, I'll retaliate twice as hard. And the U.S. was like, No way, we'll retaliate plus one. And Iran was like, uh-uhh
04/27/2006 Twenty years later, Chernobyl deaths top 250,000, according to Greenpeace. Real death toll is more around 50, as in FIVE ZERO
04/27/2006 Having solved all other problems, Chicago's city council bans foie gras
01/11/2006 Economists confident that oil prices will rise, fall or stay the same, depending on supply, demand, Iran, Russia and whether or not a butterfly flaps its wings somewhere
01/20/2006 Chinese company purchases Wham-O. Be on the look out for reissues of your favorites, hurra-hoop, sirry string and srip and sride
01/20/2006 Osama bin Laden's threats cause oil prices to rise. Oil companies apparently starting to build giant walls of $50s around their refineries for protection
01/23/2006 Man throws his legs at state troopers. Police up in arms
01/27/2006 Hamas wants to meet Abbas. Apparently is a huge fan of "Dancing Queen" and "Fernando"
01/30/2006 Religion of peace urged armed attacks on Denmark and Norway because they didn't find a cartoon funny
02/02/2006 Tanker runs aground in Alaska, prompting gas prices to rise. Exxon to start building a Death Star
02/04/2006 Danish embassy in Syria torched by Religion Of Peace™
02/06/2006 25,000-year-old cave drawings found in France. Archeologists report some of the drawings depict individuals waving white flags with their hands in the air
02/06/2006 Oil prices increase because of Iran's -- *shakes magic 8-ball* -- ending of UN checks of its nuclear sites and resumption of uranium enrichment
02/08/2006 Hamas 'ready to talk to Israel,' but only if Israel apologises for calling Hamas a big poopy face
02/15/2006 Several volunteer firefighters spontaneously erupt into ass-kicking contest while battling house fire. Ron Howard tenatively titles film "Backdraft Asskick: Electric Boogaloo"
02/15/2006 Oil falls below $60 a barrel. Surely we can blame this on the oil companies
02/16/2006 New research reveals King Tut preferred white wine. Also, not born in Arizona as previously reported
02/20/2006 Sign of the Apocalypse: Americans downright happy to be paying $2.30 gallon for gas
02/20/2006 Nurse who slapped colleague's face with frozen trout is fired. Ask why she did it, replies "for the halibut"
02/21/2006 Today's jump in oil prices are due to -- *shakes magic 8-ball* -- violence in Nigeria
02/24/2006 Hey, Batman, here's just something wrong with this headline: "Holy Shiite Tomb Attacked"
02/24/2006 Oil prices rise because attack on refinery in Saudi Arabia......(flips coin)... Fails
02/28/2006 Conneticut to implement elephant licensing. Revenues expected to surpass marmoset licensing
03/02/2006 Justice Ginsburg dozes off during oral arguments. Other justices promptly place her hand in a bowl of warm water
03/03/2006 Oil prices rise on -- *shakes Magic 8-ball* -- supply fears
03/08/2006 OPEC will (flips coin) NOT cut production amid (spins wheel, gets free spin) political instability and (spins wheel) terrorism fears
03/10/2006 Gas prices soar because of -- *shake shake shake* -- "production switch from winter- to summer-grade gasoline"
03/22/2006 "Ancient" tree 4,000 years younger than originally thought, says fake ID was for buying beer and cigarettes
03/25/2006 Freak hail storm follows rare tornado in Hawaii. Civil defense puts word out to find Brady kids and return the tiki
03/27/2006 Vegas oddsmakers, psychics, and the Department of Pulling Sh*t Out Of My Ass predict 2:1 odds that a Category 2 hurricane will nail Palm Beach
03/27/2006 Online grocery lists may now include human milk. Ethical questions include safety, Oreo dunking
03/30/2006 UN to Iran: "Gee, ummm, if you wouldn't mind, could you, like, stop enriching uranium. If not we'll, well, we might do something. Maybe." Iran to UN: "Die in a fire"
04/03/2006 Brace yourselves: Experts predict *GASP* higher gas prices this summer
04/10/2006 Prepare for $5.00 per gallon for gas this summer
04/12/2006 Gasoline prices rise due to... *throws chicken entrails*... political turmoil in Nigeria
04/13/2006 Hey, Minneapolis. That homeless illegal immigrant you raised money for so he could go back to Mexico was found breaking into a Boston home and armed with a knife. You can have him back now
04/14/2006 Mexicans to boycott US businesses on May 1, country expected to lose $37.00 in revenue
04/14/2006 Software Engineer named best job in America. Worst job remains "assistant crack whore"
04/15/2006 Tomatoes and carrots may lower asthma risk. it's getting them into that little inhaler that's the problem
04/18/2006 Gas stations installing TVs on pumps so drivers can watch news and weather as they fill up, although at $3 a gallon, it would probably be more appropriate to show selected scenes from "Deliverance" and "Midnight Express"
04/19/2006 Huge explosion in Kabul -- plume of white smoke signals new Afghan pope
04/19/2006 Pope Benedict XVI marks first anniversary of his papacy. Announces he will return as the voice of the pig in "Toy Story 3"
04/22/2006 Oil to rise to $90 a barrel. Donkey Kong threatens to go on strike
04/24/2006 European gas prices over $6.00/gal. Average European car doubles in value after fill-up
04/25/2006 Since European Union borders were opened in 2004, there are now more Poles in Britain than Warsaw, and every time a London escalator breaks down, dozens of people have to be rescued
04/25/2006 Cyclone Monica is ready to blow Australia, put on a blue dress
04/26/2006 Spanish Socialist Party introducing a bill to give apes the same rights as man. Charleton Heston heard shouting "You maniacs"
04/26/2006 So, Iran was like, Dude, if you attack me, I'll retaliate twice as hard. And the U.S. was like, No way, we'll retaliate plus one. And Iran was like, uh-uhh
04/27/2006 Twenty years later, Chernobyl deaths top 250,000, according to Greenpeace. Real death toll is more around 50, as in FIVE ZERO
04/27/2006 Having solved all other problems, Chicago's city council bans foie gras
