Thursday, June 29, 2006
TELLLING...........
ABC was more concerned about keeping secret the fact that Star Jones was fired from The View, in order for her to save face, than the NY Times was about exposing a secret and successful anti-terrorism program that quite possibly could endanger our national security.
The NY Times and most of the other out of the mainstream media refused to print a couple of cartoons that on the off chance might "offend" a handful of religious zealots. However, they have no problem printing a story that damages our national security capabilities and quite possibly endangers peoples lives.
Time to check your priorities media elites? Oh, you have. Well, that is why you are going OUT OF BUSINESS. Go figure!
The NY Times and most of the other out of the mainstream media refused to print a couple of cartoons that on the off chance might "offend" a handful of religious zealots. However, they have no problem printing a story that damages our national security capabilities and quite possibly endangers peoples lives.
Time to check your priorities media elites? Oh, you have. Well, that is why you are going OUT OF BUSINESS. Go figure!
Sunday, June 18, 2006
CHICK FEARS RETURN TO MCCARTHY ERA
Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks lives with incredible anxiety everyday. One that makes her shudder and fear for, if not the lives, but the commercial success of her chicklet bandmates. "I do really fear that we are headed for a return to the McCarthy Era. Naming names and punishing stars, such as myself, although I am more of a mega star really, for their political beliefs. I think we just might be returning to the era of fear induced from that dummy."
A clearly distraught Maines voice showed emotion even though her face, wearing a singular expression from too much plastic surgery did not. "Those wooden dolls are creepy. And when that disembodied voice, which was really like Candace Bergen I think, began accusing people of being Communists, it was extremely tragic." "Charlie McCarthy was the root of all evil and I believe we are about to return to those days again. Whatever happened to Wayland Flowers and Madam, now there was no animosity there, huh?"
Fellow Dixie Chickians Martie Maguire and Emily Robison seconded and thirded Maines concerns. Said Robison, "It is like that movie Child's Play where Chucky comes to life as Senator McCarthy except Chucky is Bush and Laura Bush is like Bride of Chucky, wasn't that Jennifer Tilly? Is she on the laundry list?" "I think you mean black list," interjected Maguire. "I also think you are getting confused. You sound like one of the dumb jerk, redneck, idiots that listen to country music. I mean you know the in-bred, red state, flag wavers that gave us our start, loved us and made us multi-millionaires."
"But back to the point," continued Maguire, "it was really frightening when this McCarthy from like Minnesota, or Michigan or Alberta you know one of those northern states, could label people communists while his master, J Edgar Bergen drank a glass of water." Speaking as the educated Chick, Maguire stated "J Edgar Bergen was head of the AFL-CIA-FBI-CIO and was Candace Bergen's, I love Murphy Brown by the way, husband."
"So, we're not ready to make nice just like our song says, right, it does say that right?........Anyway, we don't really care what our fans think because, well, they disgust us. We are loved in France and that is where our plastic surgeons are. We are too good for them anyway. But, hey, still buy our albums, 'kay, because we do love your money."
A clearly distraught Maines voice showed emotion even though her face, wearing a singular expression from too much plastic surgery did not. "Those wooden dolls are creepy. And when that disembodied voice, which was really like Candace Bergen I think, began accusing people of being Communists, it was extremely tragic." "Charlie McCarthy was the root of all evil and I believe we are about to return to those days again. Whatever happened to Wayland Flowers and Madam, now there was no animosity there, huh?"
Fellow Dixie Chickians Martie Maguire and Emily Robison seconded and thirded Maines concerns. Said Robison, "It is like that movie Child's Play where Chucky comes to life as Senator McCarthy except Chucky is Bush and Laura Bush is like Bride of Chucky, wasn't that Jennifer Tilly? Is she on the laundry list?" "I think you mean black list," interjected Maguire. "I also think you are getting confused. You sound like one of the dumb jerk, redneck, idiots that listen to country music. I mean you know the in-bred, red state, flag wavers that gave us our start, loved us and made us multi-millionaires."
"But back to the point," continued Maguire, "it was really frightening when this McCarthy from like Minnesota, or Michigan or Alberta you know one of those northern states, could label people communists while his master, J Edgar Bergen drank a glass of water." Speaking as the educated Chick, Maguire stated "J Edgar Bergen was head of the AFL-CIA-FBI-CIO and was Candace Bergen's, I love Murphy Brown by the way, husband."
"So, we're not ready to make nice just like our song says, right, it does say that right?........Anyway, we don't really care what our fans think because, well, they disgust us. We are loved in France and that is where our plastic surgeons are. We are too good for them anyway. But, hey, still buy our albums, 'kay, because we do love your money."
Saturday, June 17, 2006
WHAT EVERY BABY NEEDS
Brangelina's baby, Shiloh, with whom I now share a birthday, is being "gifted" with a $17,000 pacifier.........
from Agence France Presse:
"It's a solid, white-gold pacifier, with 279 diamonds. The whole front of it is covered basically with diamonds, three-carat plus," Mathis Riiber, a founder of Itsmybinky.com, told AFP.
Now, who would put something like that in a baby's mouth? Britney Spears does come to mind. However, I doubt even she and her Hee Haw honey can afford something like this?
I guess the baby does need something to suck and her parents film careers just aren't going to fit the bill.
I certainly hope they don't spend that kind of money on diapers.
from Agence France Presse:
"It's a solid, white-gold pacifier, with 279 diamonds. The whole front of it is covered basically with diamonds, three-carat plus," Mathis Riiber, a founder of Itsmybinky.com, told AFP.
Now, who would put something like that in a baby's mouth? Britney Spears does come to mind. However, I doubt even she and her Hee Haw honey can afford something like this?
I guess the baby does need something to suck and her parents film careers just aren't going to fit the bill.
I certainly hope they don't spend that kind of money on diapers.
Monday, June 12, 2006
THE PEOPLE OF IKEA WELCOME YOU - ROD BLAGOJEVICH GOVERNOR
In a stunning move that shocked even comatose downstate Democrats, Governor Rod Blagojevich, the boy wonder, announced that he had sold the name Illinois to the government of Sweden for an undisclosed amount of money. Appearing in Stockholm with a group of Swedish dignitaries he declared that as of January 1, 2007, the state of Illinois would officially become the state of IKEA. IKEA is a giant world-wide retailer of Scandinavian furniture and household products with everyday household names of skogsbar, svepa, and skymta.
"I took this step for the children," said the Governor, "the money raised by the selling of the name Illinois will be used to fund pre-school education programs for youngsters from the womb until kindergarten. Heck, if it is great for a four year old to have pre-school why not three, two, one or even zero!" The Governor, as usual, offered no details on the implementation of the program, who would receive the money, how much money the naming rights raked in or exactly how teaching fetuses to read would work. When asked Blagojevich replied "It is for me to know and for you to find out." He then stuck out his tongue.
In order to obtain information the boy wonder directed reporters and the public to IKEA's "Ask Anna" customer service feature on the company's website. According to Anna, not only would the state name become IKEA but these other changes would take place as well:
--Illinois would no longer be known as the Land Of Lincoln but would become the Land of Ooonen Schvoonen. The image of Lincoln on state license plates would be replaced by that of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.
--The Quad Cities would be renamed Ana-frid, Bjorn, Bennie, and Agnetha after pop super group ABBA. The governor's office issued a later statement after it was pointed out that 2 of the 4 cities, Bettendorf and Davenport were in Iowa. "The Illinois National Guard has been preparing for an invasion of Iowa whereupon they will subdue the local population of Iowans with prize-winning hogs, gingham dresses and corn on the cob. Once the civilian populace is under control, the Guard will commence rechannelling the Mississippi river so that it will now flow to the West of the two Iowa communities thus making Bettendorf and Davenport part of the new state of IKEA.
Wearing a gingham dress, riding atop a large pig, gnawing on a corn cob and drinking Absolut(a Swedish vodka) Iowa Governor Paul Myfinger declared "I's gots no(hic) problem with the Scandabanavians peoples. I never real(hic) liked Bettendork and the sofa place vurry mush anyhoo." "Here's ta IKEA! REFILL!!" shouted the Governor as he tried valiantly to maintain his perch on top of Fred the champion Hampshire hog.
--The IKEA state police would consist of blond haired/blue eyed hot bodied young men and women on skis or rollerblades since it is sometimes 110 degrees in the shade in the state during the summer. "Think Baywatch," states the website, "disciplinary action will consist of spanking or depending on the fine willing to be paid by the lawbreaker, whatever their heart desires."
--Everyone in IKEA will be forced to trade in their current automobiles for a Volvo. "After all, the Volvo is thought to be one of the safest cars to drive in the world." Although there have been reports that driving a Volvo may lower your IQ by nearly 20 points forcing you to drive under the speed limit in the left lane, not utilize your turn signals, and cut people off in traffic because you have a "safe" car.
Not all future IKEANS are happy with the change. Judy Barr Topinka, allegedly running for Governor this year on the Republican ticket railed "How dare this governor pull a stunt like this before the election. If I won I was going to sell our state to Poland. Kielbasa anyone?" Other Republicans were just as outraged but they were dismayed when they realized they had been meeting in Springfield, to be renamed Umea Andabagofhcipsskva, failing to realize the capital had been moved to Chicago nearly three years ago.
As for Chicagoans, a poll taken by the Chicago Tribune showed that 90% of city residents could not find the rest of the state of Illinois on a map let alone the country of Sweden. Mayor Daley has threatened to secede lamenting "Where will our dead people vote now?"
In related budget news, the boy wonder gov has determined to stand on the shores of Lake Michigan and part the waters all the way across to the state of Michigan building a chain of daycare centers through the churning waters on each side. The funds for the centers will be supplied by something the Governor says will replace "taxes". The new levies will still be taken out of people paychecks but will be called The Good Time Rock and Roll God Bless the USA donation. "We'll need about sixty percent of everyone's salary and their first born child of every IKEAN to be sold into slavery to raise money for these and other programs but hey, think of the children. At least the ones not sold into slavery, okay." The governor offered no further details and claims to truly have no idea what he is doing but, "hey, I'm just enjoying the ride." Absolut Citron anyone?
--
"I took this step for the children," said the Governor, "the money raised by the selling of the name Illinois will be used to fund pre-school education programs for youngsters from the womb until kindergarten. Heck, if it is great for a four year old to have pre-school why not three, two, one or even zero!" The Governor, as usual, offered no details on the implementation of the program, who would receive the money, how much money the naming rights raked in or exactly how teaching fetuses to read would work. When asked Blagojevich replied "It is for me to know and for you to find out." He then stuck out his tongue.
In order to obtain information the boy wonder directed reporters and the public to IKEA's "Ask Anna" customer service feature on the company's website. According to Anna, not only would the state name become IKEA but these other changes would take place as well:
--Illinois would no longer be known as the Land Of Lincoln but would become the Land of Ooonen Schvoonen. The image of Lincoln on state license plates would be replaced by that of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.
--The Quad Cities would be renamed Ana-frid, Bjorn, Bennie, and Agnetha after pop super group ABBA. The governor's office issued a later statement after it was pointed out that 2 of the 4 cities, Bettendorf and Davenport were in Iowa. "The Illinois National Guard has been preparing for an invasion of Iowa whereupon they will subdue the local population of Iowans with prize-winning hogs, gingham dresses and corn on the cob. Once the civilian populace is under control, the Guard will commence rechannelling the Mississippi river so that it will now flow to the West of the two Iowa communities thus making Bettendorf and Davenport part of the new state of IKEA.
Wearing a gingham dress, riding atop a large pig, gnawing on a corn cob and drinking Absolut(a Swedish vodka) Iowa Governor Paul Myfinger declared "I's gots no(hic) problem with the Scandabanavians peoples. I never real(hic) liked Bettendork and the sofa place vurry mush anyhoo." "Here's ta IKEA! REFILL!!" shouted the Governor as he tried valiantly to maintain his perch on top of Fred the champion Hampshire hog.
--The IKEA state police would consist of blond haired/blue eyed hot bodied young men and women on skis or rollerblades since it is sometimes 110 degrees in the shade in the state during the summer. "Think Baywatch," states the website, "disciplinary action will consist of spanking or depending on the fine willing to be paid by the lawbreaker, whatever their heart desires."
--Everyone in IKEA will be forced to trade in their current automobiles for a Volvo. "After all, the Volvo is thought to be one of the safest cars to drive in the world." Although there have been reports that driving a Volvo may lower your IQ by nearly 20 points forcing you to drive under the speed limit in the left lane, not utilize your turn signals, and cut people off in traffic because you have a "safe" car.
Not all future IKEANS are happy with the change. Judy Barr Topinka, allegedly running for Governor this year on the Republican ticket railed "How dare this governor pull a stunt like this before the election. If I won I was going to sell our state to Poland. Kielbasa anyone?" Other Republicans were just as outraged but they were dismayed when they realized they had been meeting in Springfield, to be renamed Umea Andabagofhcipsskva, failing to realize the capital had been moved to Chicago nearly three years ago.
As for Chicagoans, a poll taken by the Chicago Tribune showed that 90% of city residents could not find the rest of the state of Illinois on a map let alone the country of Sweden. Mayor Daley has threatened to secede lamenting "Where will our dead people vote now?"
In related budget news, the boy wonder gov has determined to stand on the shores of Lake Michigan and part the waters all the way across to the state of Michigan building a chain of daycare centers through the churning waters on each side. The funds for the centers will be supplied by something the Governor says will replace "taxes". The new levies will still be taken out of people paychecks but will be called The Good Time Rock and Roll God Bless the USA donation. "We'll need about sixty percent of everyone's salary and their first born child of every IKEAN to be sold into slavery to raise money for these and other programs but hey, think of the children. At least the ones not sold into slavery, okay." The governor offered no further details and claims to truly have no idea what he is doing but, "hey, I'm just enjoying the ride." Absolut Citron anyone?
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