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In a stunning move that shocked even comatose downstate Democrats, Governor Rod Blagojevich, the boy wonder, announced that he had sold the name Illinois to the government of Sweden for an undisclosed amount of money. Appearing in Stockholm with a group of Swedish dignitaries he declared that as of January 1, 2007, the state of Illinois would officially become the state of IKEA. IKEA is a giant world-wide retailer of Scandinavian furniture and household products with everyday household names of skogsbar, svepa, and skymta.

"I took this step for the children," said the Governor, "the money raised by the selling of the name Illinois will be used to fund pre-school education programs for youngsters from the womb until kindergarten. Heck, if it is great for a four year old to have pre-school why not three, two, one or even zero!" The Governor, as usual, offered no details on the implementation of the program, who would receive the money, how much money the naming rights raked in or exactly how teaching fetuses to read would work. When asked Blagojevich replied "It is for me to know and for you to find out." He then stuck out his tongue.

In order to obtain information the boy wonder directed reporters and the public to IKEA's "Ask Anna" customer service feature on the company's website. According to Anna, not only would the state name become IKEA but these other changes would take place as well:

--Illinois would no longer be known as the Land Of Lincoln but would become the Land of Ooonen Schvoonen. The image of Lincoln on state license plates would be replaced by that of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

--The Quad Cities would be renamed Ana-frid, Bjorn, Bennie, and Agnetha after pop super group ABBA. The governor's office issued a later statement after it was pointed out that 2 of the 4 cities, Bettendorf and Davenport were in Iowa. "The Illinois National Guard has been preparing for an invasion of Iowa whereupon they will subdue the local population of Iowans with prize-winning hogs, gingham dresses and corn on the cob. Once the civilian populace is under control, the Guard will commence rechannelling the Mississippi river so that it will now flow to the West of the two Iowa communities thus making Bettendorf and Davenport part of the new state of IKEA.

Wearing a gingham dress, riding atop a large pig, gnawing on a corn cob and drinking Absolut(a Swedish vodka) Iowa Governor Paul Myfinger declared "I's gots no(hic) problem with the Scandabanavians peoples. I never real(hic) liked Bettendork and the sofa place vurry mush anyhoo." "Here's ta IKEA! REFILL!!" shouted the Governor as he tried valiantly to maintain his perch on top of Fred the champion Hampshire hog.

--The IKEA state police would consist of blond haired/blue eyed hot bodied young men and women on skis or rollerblades since it is sometimes 110 degrees in the shade in the state during the summer. "Think Baywatch," states the website, "disciplinary action will consist of spanking or depending on the fine willing to be paid by the lawbreaker, whatever their heart desires."

--Everyone in IKEA will be forced to trade in their current automobiles for a Volvo. "After all, the Volvo is thought to be one of the safest cars to drive in the world." Although there have been reports that driving a Volvo may lower your IQ by nearly 20 points forcing you to drive under the speed limit in the left lane, not utilize your turn signals, and cut people off in traffic because you have a "safe" car.

Not all future IKEANS are happy with the change. Judy Barr Topinka, allegedly running for Governor this year on the Republican ticket railed "How dare this governor pull a stunt like this before the election. If I won I was going to sell our state to Poland. Kielbasa anyone?" Other Republicans were just as outraged but they were dismayed when they realized they had been meeting in Springfield, to be renamed Umea Andabagofhcipsskva, failing to realize the capital had been moved to Chicago nearly three years ago.

As for Chicagoans, a poll taken by the Chicago Tribune showed that 90% of city residents could not find the rest of the state of Illinois on a map let alone the country of Sweden. Mayor Daley has threatened to secede lamenting "Where will our dead people vote now?"

In related budget news, the boy wonder gov has determined to stand on the shores of Lake Michigan and part the waters all the way across to the state of Michigan building a chain of daycare centers through the churning waters on each side. The funds for the centers will be supplied by something the Governor says will replace "taxes". The new levies will still be taken out of people paychecks but will be called The Good Time Rock and Roll God Bless the USA donation. "We'll need about sixty percent of everyone's salary and their first born child of every IKEAN to be sold into slavery to raise money for these and other programs but hey, think of the children. At least the ones not sold into slavery, okay." The governor offered no further details and claims to truly have no idea what he is doing but, "hey, I'm just enjoying the ride." Absolut Citron anyone?



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