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O-TAY!




this is a "real" news story not one of my satirical masterpieces. no word on alfalfazilla or darlazilla yet but that is sure to follow. this little gem is on the 10news.com website in beautiful San Diego, home to giant lizards and chickens.

'Otayzilla' Lurking Around Otay Lakes
Experts Believe Mystery Creature Is Monitor Lizard
SAN DIEGO -- Fishermen flocking to Otay Lakes are discovering there is more than just fish in the water.

The area just opened last week, but instead of talking about fishing, people have something else on their minds, 10News reported.

Since June 2005, a creature dubbed "Otayzilla" has been lurking in and around the water.

The mystery monster has been spotted at several places around the lake, which is located just south of Otay Lakes Road in Otay Mesa.


"I was actually coming up on a boat at the end of Otay arm," said Jose Gutierrez, a fisherman. "There have been other fisherman who have seen it."

It's not quite as scary as Godzilla, but Otayzilla is very real, according to 10News.

"I know one fisherman, about a week ago, he said he thought it was an alligator," said Gutierrez.

Officials say Otayzilla is not an alligator, but a monitor lizard.

A lot of people haven't seen Otayzilla, but most have heard about it.

Several fishermen told 10News they had never seen Otayzilla.

Mark Gartland is actually looking forward to seeing the creature.

"I hope to see him. I'd like to be able to spot him," Gartland told 10News.

Rick Sturm is a herpetoculturist and knows his reptiles, according to 10News.

"It does look like a Nile monitor," Sturm said about Otayzilla.

Sturm owns a monitor lizard, which resembles Otayzilla. He believes it used to be someone's pet and they released it into Otay Lakes.

"(Potential pet owners) need to talk to people at the pet shop and ask them what the adult size is going to be and even go beyond that. Ask them, 'What size cage do I need to hold this animal properly as an adult?'" Sturm said.

Sturm said when people don't do their homework, they don't realize what it takes to care for the creatures.

"It's important to realize most animals getting released are not going to survive. You (may) think a lake is perfect for them, but it's not," Sturm said.

Instead of releasing a pet into the wild, other, better options include adoption, pet shop return or calling animal control, Sturm suggested.

Sturm said anyone who has a chance encounter with Otayzilla should knwo the creature will probably not bite unless it's provoked. He believes the lizard can easily survive around the lake by feeding on fish, mice and birds.

Superpower fast food chain McDonalds sought to allay fears from its franchise owners about the revelations of a plan to let Burger King begin running the day to day operations of McDonalds restaurants in at least six states.

"I really don't see what the big deal is," said Ray Croc XXIII McDonalds CEO, "I mean I just found out about it this morning after my yoga class so maybe it is just my current feeling of inner peace but I say go for it." "I know Burger King has been a ferocious competitor with us for decades, but, all that trying to put the other guy out of business stuff needs to stop somewhere right? Can't we all just get along?" Continued Croc, "It is a shame that whopperphobia seems to have such a stranglehold on some people."

McDonalds employees were not so certain. Picketing outside company headquarters in Oak Brook, Illinois they carried signs saying HAMBURGLED!, NOT MY KING! and YOUR CORPORATE DECISIONS MAKE ME GRIMACE! The protestors were also chanting HOLD THE PICKLES! HOLD THE LETTUCE! BURGER KING IS OUT TO GET US! Loquesha Martinez, spokesperson for the group had this to say, "Ya know, we have this really great corporation, ya know, and, like we are number one and now, like ya know, we are letting some trashy ho company like BK come in and crap all over, ya know, our Big Macs." A woman who only identified herself as Esther from the Senior Center said that McDonalds was the only place that would hire a 102 year old. "Besides that King guy on the commercials.........He scares the hell out of me."

Burger King spokesman, Mohammed Abullah Hatabigmaca, attempted to quell any fears about the move. "This hostile takeover is only a stepping stone.......er, one moment wrong notes....this friendly foray into another's business will be handled with the utmost respect and fear for the lives of the infidel McDonalds employees.....er, damn, wrong notes again. Someone's gonna lose a hand over this." Hatabigmaca and Croc held a joint press conference expressing their undying love and affection for one another and each other's corporation. Holding hands and singing "We are the Whoppers, We are the Big Macs, Get a combo meal deal and we'll throw in a sundae for free" The harmonious moment of the occasion was broken however, when Mohammed shouted "Death to Infidel Wendy's." "Damn, I just can seem to stop myself. Praise be to Allah." Croc was last seen holding a ceremonial "belt" presented to him as a gift by Hatabigmaca who told him it would give him a real "blast".

Governor Rod with Liutenant Governor Pat Quinn





In yet another stunning and expensive election year proposal, Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich has officially declared he is going to WRECK Illinois. The acronym stands for WE'LL RAISE EVERY CHICAGO KID. "Since we are already proposing feedin', clothin', edukatin', doctorin', burpin' and diaper changin' services for every Illinois child we figured we might as well just go all out," says the Guv, "if we could, we'd have the state government give birth to the children too. Ceptin'we do'n know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies."

Although details of the program are sketchy, it appears that the State plans on taking every three year old child living in Chicago from their parents and giving them to downstate families to raise. "You just know those good God-fearin', Republicans in downstate Paducah, Evansville, Hannibal and Keokuk are already paying plenty of taxes. So, instead of raising taxes to raise the children we're just cutting out the middle man and giving downstaters the actual children to rear themselves. Cheryle Jackson, spokesperson for the Governor's office later clarified the Governor's statement, "Clearly, the Governor misspoke when he indicated Paducah was in Illinois when everyone knows it is in Tennessee." When presented with a map showing that none of the cities the Governor mentioned were actually in Illinois Jackson shouted "What is this! Some sort of political witch hunt?" and stormed out of the press room.

Republicans immediately questioned the cost of the program not to mention the morality of taking children from their parents. "The only reason the GOP wants to know how much this costs is because they are racist, Zionist pigs," said Claudette Marie Johnson, a member of the Governor's Commission on Discrimination and Hate Crimes. Ms Johnson, who is also known as Sister Claudette Marie Muhammad, is the minister of protocol for Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam. "It's high time the Jews and the whites paid for their sins against people of color. So, the cost don't matter. Understand." When pressed further on the issue Sister Claudette shouted "What is this! Some sort of religious prosecution? Islamophobes!" and stormed out of the press room.

Senate President Emil Jones sees no problems with the bill making it through the Democratic controlled Illinois House and Senate. "Sees, if des Govma wan des he oonga gong ben get whe tay ho ley botchka" stated Jones. Roughly translated by the official state appointed interpreter for Jones so the English speaking public can understand him, "what the Governor wants, the Governor gets." When details about the program and the cost were requested, Jones seemed not to comprehend. However, after a quick translation, Jones shouted "Wa dis! ishkabibble shadrach mesach abednigo" and stormed out of the press room. Even the translator was not sure about what he said but he thought it was something like "feet don't fail me now."

Furious Chicagoans who actually want to keep their children rallied in front of the Governor's mansion, which sits empty as Blagojevich resides in southern France, were met by the Governor himself. "Look we all know you poor city folk can't raise your kids so the State is going to do it for you, just like everything else." "Besides, downstaters have the time because all they do is sit around picking their teeth with a piece of hay" When his comments were met with shouts of derisive anger the Governor shouted "What's this! Some sort of anger about one of my ill conceived, costly and idiotic programs....er, YEAH.....I've got a plane to catch to Paris"

Illinois? shouted a reporter. "There's a Paris in Illinois? Who knew," marveled the Governor.

I went to see a Patsy Cline tribute show on Saturday night at the Little Theater in Sullivan. I am always a little reticent about these things because sometimes the production is so poor it really isn't a tribute to the artist at all. I know some of the supposed tributes have the artist looking down and saying, "didn't I suffer enough during my life?" NOT this one!

Patsy, played by Katie Deal of Gainesville GA, was truly taking us on a walk through the past. At times, she sounded just like my Patsy Cline CDs. It was spectacular which is what I told her after the show.

I think what I really admire most about Patsy's story is that she really was just a hillbilly from Winchester Virginia who could sing like an angel. She refused to change her country-girl, down home sense of self even when performing for an increasingly non-country audience. Her voice could convey all the human emotions to her listening audience was another reason I think she was so popular.

Patsy was who she was. And if you treat simple country folk like they are "simple" then you do so at your own peril. Patsy's songs transformed not just country music but popular music as well. It did not transform her. She remained true to her roots which cannot be said of many contemporary artists today.

Katie was backed up by Kevin Murray who was absolutely hilarious as the "comic". And her band Daniel Oliver on piano, Josh Patterson on guitar, and Gil Hunter on drums.
When Murray, playing the DJ of WINC radio station, announced Patsy's death on March 5, 1963 in a plane crash towards the end of the show, you felt like you had lost a friend, that's how moving the performance was.

Then Deal came out and sang Just A Closer Walk With Thee for the finale, you really might have had to believe in reincarnation. WOW! Small town girl makes GREAT!

This appears near the bottom of an editorial in the Daily Illini entitled: A Promise to Our Readers. After waxing poetic about their high standards and their search for the truth, they leave an out, in case they ever "fail".

Our readers may not always agree with the content they see on our pages and may allow personal biases to affect their perceptions of the importance of news and our level of coverage. But regardless, we play by the rules that those who came before us built, and our colleagues across the country accept

OH, I see. If you run away from an issue and completely abandon your responsibilities as journalists, as you have done with the Mohammed cartoons insanity, it is OUR fault and not yours. What an elitist, naive, idiotic rationalization that line of CRAP is. Just the kind of thing the FAILING mainstream press in this country loves.

You create your own rules to suit you and the fact that the rest of your "colleagues" take the same cowards way out does in no way speak well of you. Look in the mirror at your own biases and prejudices before you blame your readership for your own inadequacies as reporters of NEWS!

Here is the letter I sent to the Daily Illini, my college alma mater's daily paper. Did you ever think you would see a group of "journalists" try to pass off no news is good news as their new mantra? silly.

Regarding, the publication of the editorial cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammed: You are going to write about the details surrounding the story, show pictures related to the story, and debate in your editorial pages the meaning of the story. However, some of you feel that you do not owe the readers of your publication the right to view the material at the heart of the controversy. You have chosen to censor yourselves and deny others the information to make an informed decision. That is not journalism.

I'm really not sure from where the "right" to not be offended springs. It does seem to have bred an entire class of those "chronically offended". By misusing the goals of diversity and tolerance, they seek to suppress others points of view usually by slandering those as racist who dare to disagree. Others resort to outright threats. Some of you are obviously willing to give up the rights of a free press and the right to free speech to avoid such a confrontation. You rationalize your irresponsibility and lack of courage by patting yourselves on the back and admiring your "sensitivity".

When I read the Daily Illini staff was the first collegiate publication in the nation to act like real journalists, I was very proud. Much to my dismay, but not surprise, the back-pedaling soon began from the Chancellor on down. A truly great news publication should be a place where one can go and get all pertinent information necessary to understand and form an opinion on an issue. It should be a place where those of differing viewpoints can debate these subjects. In a proper news story, one must present all the facts. Certainly, no one should be suspended from their jobs for doing so.

Sadly, you broke your promise. Predictably, you don't even realize it.

Kevin Freels has been a vet for three years. (scary!) He has seen his share of injuries, but he never thought he'd be on the receiving end of a potentially deadly attack from his own pet. (even tho the pet is a poisonous fish...they are soooo cuddly, who knew!)


“I was just doing the routine weekly maintenance on the (saltwater) tank,” Kevin recalls. “Apparently she didn't like what I did." (understatement)

The “she” Kevin is referring to, is his lion fish, named Lily. Lily charged Kevin's hand and jabbed six of her poisonous spines into him.

"I was just screamin,” Kevin said. "I just remember her stinging and then I remember crawling around on the floor." (just like after a date with Star Jones)

Not realizing how serious his situation was, Kevin dialed his girlfriend Karen at work. (Kev: Hi Honey, you know that poisonous fish we have. Kar: Um, Yeah. Kev: Well, she did not like me playing Merry Maids in her fish tank. Kar: Please tell me you paid the premium on the life insurance after you ate that big bowl of dumbass for breakfast? Kev: AIIEEEE!)
“All I heard was screaming,” Karen said. She raced home and found Kevin lying on the floor writhing in pain.

“I was having seizures and convulsions," Kevin said.

“I realized then when I saw the fish tank being changed he probably got stung," Karen said. (Karen works for Rocket Scientists R Us)

And that's what she told 9-1-1. When paramedics arrived, it took eight paramedics to restrain Kevin on the stretcher. (Good GOD! How many people are on call in this town?) All they knew to do was give him benedryl and get him to the hospital, where doctors were also stumped. (benedryl? in case he coughed up one of the spines or the poison gave him post nasal drip?)

“They'd never seen such a thing," Karen said. “They had to call poison control." (nooo, I thought they would have called for chinese takeout)

Kevin realizes now he could have died. “The specialist there at the hospital said that it would've taken maybe another hour and I would've been in cardiac arrest,” Kevin said. (karen thinks: damn, another hour and I'd be a rich woman....)

That's because Lily' s venom would have slowly paralyzed Kevin's heart . (is that like a Total Eclipse of the Heart?)

“They compared it to getting stung by multiple scorpions,” Kevin said. “I knew she was venomous, but I didn't know she was this bad." (isn't being a "little" venomous akin to being a "little" pregnant)

“To think that a fish, something so beautiful could do something so fatal. I still can't believe it," Karen said. (oh....my....Gawd...Becky or Karen in this case....he wasn't about to be killed by her beauty. POISONOUS FISH. Hello!! what more do you need to know!)

Now that they know just how dangerous Lily is, Kevin is selling her. In fact, they already have a buyer, but she'll come with a stern warning. (WARNING: Don't be as stupid as me)
“Just don't let this happen to you,” Kevin said.

And although Kevin bought this fish out of state (of course) he says he's seen plenty of her kind in salt water shops around buffalo. Doctors say Kevin will be fine, but it could take weeks, even months for him to fully recover. (methinks Kevin has lifelong problems he will never overcome!!!!)

WGRZ.COM IN BUFFALO NY

Vandalism or cruelty? Object thrown through window was frozen raccoon
an ABC Action News report 02/08/06

TOWN 'N COUNTRY - Hillsborough sheriff's deputies are investigating a bizarre act of criminal mischief that may also be a sickening act of animal cruelty.
It was 2 a.m. when Lynnette Brooks says she heard a crash at her front window. There, in the middle of the night, in the middle of her living room, she got the shock of her life. (No! Not a drunk Brittney Spears!)
"We saw the raccoon. A frozen raccoon," she recalled.
A vandal had apparently used a dead frozen raccoon as his weapon of choice. What's worse, roommate Gary Hogan said, it was one of the largest he's ever seen.
"It was about that big. About that big around," he said, holding his hands far apart. (Typical guy always exaggeratin' bout the size)
Gary and Lynnette say the hole the frozen critter left in the screen even shows the silhouette of a raccoon -- with legs pointed skyward.


The shape of the raccoon -- with legs pointed upwards -- is visible in the screen.
"I mean, I've done some bad things, but nothing like that," Gary observed. (and Gary that speaks well of you....somehow...I think) "Absurd. Totally absurd. I don't know what kind of mind would come up with something like that," Lynnette added.
The sheriff's office is taking the case very seriously. But they admit they don't have a lot of experience investigating frozen raccoons.
"It's the first time I've ever come across this in over 23 years of service with the sheriff's office," offered Lt. Frank Baker.
Sheriff's deputies say they're working this as a criminal mischief case -- but if they find out the suspect killed the raccoon before freezing it they could charge him or her with felony animal cruelty.

Now, my question is what exactly did this floriduh couple do to drive someone to toss a frozen raccoon thru the window? Inquiring minds want to know. Was it a random frozen racooning? CALL RANGER RICK STAT!

LANCED
"After much thought and consideration we have made a very tough decision to split up. We both have a deep love and respect for each other and we ask that everyone respect our privacy during this very difficult time," the statement said. (Celebrity translation: I am now available for interviews from anyone in the media who will listen. I will dish dirt and make you feel my pain.)

Crow talked about being part of a celebrity couple in an interview with The Associated Press in November, saying she wasn't crazy about all the attention that goes with it. (sooooo, she gives an interview to the nation's largest press organization. yes that should keep things quiet)

She said celebrity magazines are more interested in seeing a couple break up than reporting on them being happy together.

"When we were rumored to have split, and when our publicists called these magazines to say we haven't split, the magazines were all so disappointed because that's really what's selling, rooting for a couple and then they split," she said. "That's what sells the magazines. (now you've done your part to help the economy)

"Why can't we just report things the way they are or see things for the good in them? ... It's an insidious energy."

Armstrong was living with Crow on a ranch in the Austin area. (the crow has now flown the coop. shoulda stuck with wifey #1)
---excerpt from the associated press

RICHIE DITCHED
"This is a private matter, and there will be no further comment at this time," CeCe York said in a statement Thursday. (where have we heard this before???)

The release had Locklear and Sambora's marriage as lasting 10 years, but it actually passed the 11-year mark last December, around the same time the couple shushed whispers of their imminent demise.

"The real story is that there is no story," Locklear and Sambora said at the time in a statement to the New York Daily News. "The truth is that after 11 years together, we are still happily married. Boring but true." (the names may change but the comments are still the same)

In the Daily News in December, reputed Sambora insiders unloaded on Locklear, saying the former Melrose Place vixen needed "24-hour-a-day [butt]-kissing," rejected her husband's wishes for a second child and annoyed his Bon Jovi bandmates.

"If Richie divorced her," an unnamed source told the newspaper, "nobody would be heartbroken." (meowwwrrrr)
----E! Online

Heather should get together with Lance. Then, her ball-busting days would be over! It is truly a win-win!