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LIZZY COOTER LIDDY SCOOTER

An ecstatic Nancy Pelosi held a press conference after learning of the five count indictment handed down by US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald against Scooter Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's White House Chief of Staff. "Finally, we nailed the suckers. I can deal with Al Queada but Republicans, well we all know they are the biggest threat of all." At the conclusion of the press conference, Senator Dick "Les" Durbin of Illinois waltzed into the room, swept the beaming Pelosi off her feet and they proceeded to dance around the room to the new song, the Bush Lied Bop. "I feel like a schoolgirl again." "Oh Dick, stop that now, I'm the only shcoolgirl here" chided Pelosi to a giggling Durbin.

The Democrats celebratory mood was short-lived when polling data began to return indicating that not only did the American people not know who Scooter Libby was; they did not much care. Also, confusion reigned over exactly who was the accused. A typical response was that of Anita Cusin-Tumary of Byrdsville, West Virginia, "This is jes so typical of those DC bigwigs. They now 'er attackin' those cute lil muppets people. All they ever done is bring joy and laughter to the world and now those dang politicians go un ruin et for everyones." It appears that over 1/3rd of Americans polled thought that one of the world famous Muppets had indeed been charged with some sort of crime. And they were none too happy about it.

Other misconceptions were expressed about the last name of the defendant. "That family is cursed girlfriend," opined Amanda Huginkiss, a Chicago drag queen who was sharing cocktails with friends at a Boystown pub. "You know Libby Borden took that ax and gave her mother forty whacks, then she gave her daddy one more. um-hmmmm. Isn't Scooter her grandson?" "Actually he sounds like your last boyfriend," joked one of Ms Huginkiss' companions. "Shut up biotch!" snapped Huginkiss.

It appears people were also confusing Mr Libby with: US Senator Libby(actually Liddy) Dole, G Gordon Libby(ditto Liddy) from the Watergate era, and another television Scooter(actually Cooter from the TV show The Dukes of Hazard). A frustrated Patrick Fitzgerald issued a statement indicating he was going to put Libby, Libby, Libby on the label, label, label until justice, or dinner, was served.

When questioned later by reporters, a clearly chastened yet defiant Pelosi said, "Who would have thought that we liberals would be so successful at transforming our educational system into touchy-feely indoctrination camps of political correctness only to discover we have destroyed the brains of several generations of Americans. I never thought that diversity and tolerance crap would come back to bite us in the a**. It was just supposed to be a ploy to keep me in power."

And in a stunning turn of events, Fitzgerald's office announced they are launching a new investigation, this time of the House Minority Leader herself. Fitzgerald and his team will attempt to find an answer of why it is impossible for Ms Pelosi to blink. Concerns abound that the pallid Pelosi will be confused with Bela Lugosi but the Attorney's office dismissed such talk. "Lugosi at least appeared life like as Count Dracula. Pelosi clearly seems to be one of the truly undead."

Injun Summer
John T. McCutcheon
Chicago Tribune
September 30, 1907

Yep, sonny this is sure enough Injun summer. Don't know what that is, I reckon, do you? Well, that's when all the homesick Injuns come back to play; You know, a long time ago, long afore yer granddaddy was born even, there used to be heaps of Injuns around here—thousands—millions, I reckon, far as that's concerned. Reg'lar sure 'nough Injuns—none o' yer cigar store Injuns, not much. They wuz all around here—right here where you're standin'.
Don't be skeered—hain't none around here now, leastways no live ones. They been gone this many a year.
They all went away and died, so they ain't no more left.
But every year, 'long about now, they all come back, leastways their sperrits do. They're here now. You can see 'em off across the fields. Look real hard. See that kind o' hazy misty look out yonder? Well, them's Injuns—Injun sperrits marchin' along an' dancin' in the sunlight. That's what makes that kind o' haze that's everywhere—it's jest the sperrits of the Injuns all come back. They're all around us now.
See off yonder; see them tepees? They kind o' look like corn shocks from here, but them's Injun tents, sure as you're a foot high. See 'em now? Sure, I knowed you could. Smell that smoky sort o' smell in the air? That's the campfires a-burnin' and their pipes a-goin'.
Lots o' people say it's just leaves burnin', but it ain't. It's the campfires, an' th' Injuns are hoppin' 'round 'em t'beat the old Harry.
You jest come out here tonight when the moon is hangin' over the hill off yonder an' the harvest fields is all swimmin' in the moonlight, an' you can see the Injuns and the tepees jest as plain as kin be. You can, eh? I knowed you would after a little while.
Jever notice how the leaves turn red 'bout this time o' year? That's jest another sign o' redskins. That's when an old Injun sperrit gits tired dancin' an' goes up an' squats on a leaf t'rest. Why I kin hear 'em rustlin' an' whisper in' an' creepin' 'round among the leaves all the time; an' ever' once'n a while a leaf gives way under some fat old Injun ghost and comes floatin' down to the ground. See—here's one now. See how red it is? That's the war paint rubbed off'n an Injun ghost, sure's you're born.
Purty soon all the Injuns'll go marchin' away agin, back to the happy huntin' ground, but next year you'll see 'em troopin' back—th' sky jest hazy with 'em and their campfires smolderin' away jest like they are now.

In these troubled times, ain't it good to know that we have one bright, shining event to which we may look forward. The introduction of yet another new coin. The new nickel will have an "optimistic" looking Thomas Jefferson peering out at us, not in profile but full FRONTAL! I can only assume that the optimistic "look" beat out the following such as: the "come hither" look like he purportedly had for his slaves or the "nanny nanny boo boo" expression which he wore after making the Louisiana Purchase from the French and sticking them with Quebec as their only possession in North America.

Yes, Lil' Billy Clinton left us a legacy of state quarters and Dubya will leave us with a string of new nickels........I bet Al Queada is shaking in their boots. I say we send the terrorists some of those gold Sacajewa dollars, that should really frustrate 'em! GIVE ME MY COKE YOU INFIDEL VENDING MACHINE MONSTER!(starts shaking machine) KA BOOM! Yes, that would make Sacajewa a hero all over again.