Saturday, January 27, 2007
THE YEAR IN FARK HEADLINES(whatever's left)
10/02/2006 Neighborhood dispute over parking spot ends, as they so often do, with two people stabbed, a car driven into the side of a house and a blood-covered guy jumping off a bridge
10/02/2006 Oil prices decline on... *breaks Magic 8 ball*... reduction of output. Wait, what?
10/03/2006 Immigrant rights group angry employers are firing illegal aliens whose names don't match their fake social security number
10/03/2006 Remember how this was going to be the worst hurricane season of all time, with at least 15 intense storms plunging parts of America back to stone age? This season's forecast has been quietly downgraded to "none"
10/04/2006 Flying Elvis breaks pelvis in Las Vegas skydiving stunt. Remaining Elvi land without damage to pelvi
10/04/2006 Pope supports getting rid of Limbo, in favor of keeping the Twist and undecided on the Watusi
10/09/2006 French countryside being terrorized by mushroom rustlers and their teeny-tiny lassos
10/10/2006 Oil prices drop below $60 a barrel on news that Joe Torre may stay with Yankees
10/10/2006 Drunks in Minneapolis can't catch a cab because transporting alcohol is an affront to Religion of Peace. But then again, what isn’t?
10/11/2006 "Hey, stop testing nuclear weapons or... we'll say stop again" and "Don't make me tell mom," plus other effective strategies employed by the UN
10/15/2006 Missouri is the first state to report average gas prices below $2 per gallon. Californians gladly pay $3 per gallon because they're just happy to not be Missourians
10/16/2006 "The vehicle was deemed suspicious because it had a safe attached to it by a chain and the driver was dragging it through the intersection"
10/17/2006 Happy birthday to the 300,000,000 person in the U.S., born Tuesday at 7:46 a.m.
10/19/2006 Mental health advocates complain about insane asylums, psycho killers being used in Halloween festivities; want people to stick with ghosts and goblins. Ghost, goblin advocacy groups immediately object
10/23/2006 Have you driven a Ford lately? Judging by their 3Q results, probably not
10/23/2006 God officially hates humanity: Elton John to record rap album
10/24/2006 Woman discovers a 35-lb pumpkin growing near the top of her 6-ft tall pine tree. Will have all of the fall holidays wrapped up if she can just get a turkey to land up there
10/30/2006 Scientists discover elephants are able to recognize themselves in mirrors. Lady elephants everywhere heard asking if their ass looks too big
11/01/2006 More government funding is wasted on a topic that any American could have told you for free. Namely, that we're all pretty much sluts
11/01/2006 I feel safer already: Diabetic man goes into coma after airport staff refuses to let him take his insulin on board a flight
11/03/2006 Astronomer proposes cooling Earth by launching trillions of small discs into space to form a vast cloud blocking the sun. Kenny G and Abba CDs solicited
11/03/2006 Oil prices rise on news that someone has pictures of Marcia Cross nekkid
11/03/2006 In latest damning indictment of Bush's handling of the economy, unemployment hits lowest rate in five and a half years
11/04/2006 Seriously, where better to end a naked domestic dispute than at the local Waffle House?
11/04/2006 10 per cent of British men think Chlamydia is the name of a flower and three per cent believe it is a Turkish resort
11/06/2006 The U.S. still won't sign the Kyoto Protocols -- and has done better in reducing emissions than countries that did sign it
11/07/2006 Bored University of Virginia researchers discover that jet-lagged mice live shorter lives. Comes from trying to figure out their frequent flyer program, apparently
11/08/2006 Oil over $59 on American public voting K-Fed out of marriage
11/08/2006 Bee thieves steal thousands of insects in what police call a professional sting
11/14/2006 Reseachers discover that kids can still suffer fatal blows even with protective equipment on during sports. Also advise parents not to take kids outside because a meteorite can fall on them
11/14/2006 Chad declares state of emergency. No word on how Jeremy is doing
11/14/2006 Hamas says it won't recognize Israel. Israel says, "We'll be the ones shooting the rocks out of your hands"
11/15/2006 Poignant moment during Glasgow U2 show: Crowd falls silent while Bono rhythmically claps hands, and announces every time he claps, an African child dies. Until Scotsman in front row roars, "Well stop f***ing doing it then"
11/16/2006 Oil prices fall below $59/barrel on news of Emmitt Smith winning Dancing with the Stars
11/17/2006 Sen. John Edwards speaks out against shopping at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart reveals that Edward tried to cut in line to buy a PS3 from them. Advantage: Wal-Mart
11/20/2006 Gas from New Orleans to Memphis: $75. New home in Memphis for family displaced by Katrina: $75,000. Having the family sell the home without ever moving in: Priceless
11/20/2006 Music City preps for imminent flood from faulty dam. Other cities shudder at the thought of all that refugee honkytonk and badonkydonk
11/21/2006 Bush: "As the Iraqi army stands up, we'll stand down." Generals in charge of training the Iraqi army: "Steven Hawkings has a better chance of standing up than these guys"
11/21/2006 Only 6 in 10 U.S. babies born in wedlock. The rest born in i-really-like-you-a-whole-lot lock
11/22/2006 Oil rises above $60 after news of the lack of a Britney Spears sex tape
11/24/2006 Swedish moose binges on fermented apples, gets drunk, drowns. I'm sure we can figure out some way to blame Bush
11/27/2006 Suspicious note closes Lincoln Memorial. Police suspect Jefferson Memorial is just trying to get visitors again
11/30/2006 British researcher claims four people were scared to death by fairies. Lance Bass unavailable for comment
11/30/2006 Oil hits two month high on news that Britney has been skanking it up with Paris and Lindsay
12/04/2006 Police arrest Mob underboss "Big Cheese" DiNunzio. No gouda at his Kraft. Wined: "Really blue it this time" vows to sharpen skills, cream rivals
12/05/2006 Having removed all guns and knives from the streets, British police tackle the next dangerous weapon: Cricket balls. You'd think something that small wouldn't be dangerous
12/05/2006 Oil spikes over $63 after news of death of George Clooney's pet pig "Max"
12/08/2006 Geese seen flying in asymetrical 'V', causes oil prices to climb above $63/barrel
12/14/2006 When your three-year-old wets his pants, don't put him and his two-year-old sister in the clothes dryer to dry things up. Jailarity will ensue
12/15/2006 And today's highway spill is brought to you by a hornet, hydrochloric acid, and a bunch of people who learned they can run much faster than they thought
12/15/2006 Oil moves to $63 on news that OPEC deciding that $62 is too cheap
12/20/2006 Louisiana couple can't agree which pet chewed their baby's toes off, the pit bull or the ferret, but submitter suspects the child would be better off living in the wild with either breed
12/23/2006 Target takes away Che apparel from stores when exiled Cubans get upset. Makers of "Hitler the Boardgame" reconsider German release
12/23/2006 Increasing number of Illinois residents seeing armadillos, even among those who did not start drinking at breakfast
12/27/2006 Study on elderly mice shows effects of jet lag are worse than we thought. Mice also complain that there's not enough leg room, the food sucks and wish the baby mouse sitting behind them would STFU
12/27/2006 Turtle fart sets off emergency alarms at aquatic center
12/30/2006 "The Fonz," Kabul's fast-talking king of fix-it men and owner of the only convertible in Afghanistan found dead. Pinky Tuscadero inconsolable
10/02/2006 Oil prices decline on... *breaks Magic 8 ball*... reduction of output. Wait, what?
10/03/2006 Immigrant rights group angry employers are firing illegal aliens whose names don't match their fake social security number
10/03/2006 Remember how this was going to be the worst hurricane season of all time, with at least 15 intense storms plunging parts of America back to stone age? This season's forecast has been quietly downgraded to "none"
10/04/2006 Flying Elvis breaks pelvis in Las Vegas skydiving stunt. Remaining Elvi land without damage to pelvi
10/04/2006 Pope supports getting rid of Limbo, in favor of keeping the Twist and undecided on the Watusi
10/09/2006 French countryside being terrorized by mushroom rustlers and their teeny-tiny lassos
10/10/2006 Oil prices drop below $60 a barrel on news that Joe Torre may stay with Yankees
10/10/2006 Drunks in Minneapolis can't catch a cab because transporting alcohol is an affront to Religion of Peace. But then again, what isn’t?
10/11/2006 "Hey, stop testing nuclear weapons or... we'll say stop again" and "Don't make me tell mom," plus other effective strategies employed by the UN
10/15/2006 Missouri is the first state to report average gas prices below $2 per gallon. Californians gladly pay $3 per gallon because they're just happy to not be Missourians
10/16/2006 "The vehicle was deemed suspicious because it had a safe attached to it by a chain and the driver was dragging it through the intersection"
10/17/2006 Happy birthday to the 300,000,000 person in the U.S., born Tuesday at 7:46 a.m.
10/19/2006 Mental health advocates complain about insane asylums, psycho killers being used in Halloween festivities; want people to stick with ghosts and goblins. Ghost, goblin advocacy groups immediately object
10/23/2006 Have you driven a Ford lately? Judging by their 3Q results, probably not
10/23/2006 God officially hates humanity: Elton John to record rap album
10/24/2006 Woman discovers a 35-lb pumpkin growing near the top of her 6-ft tall pine tree. Will have all of the fall holidays wrapped up if she can just get a turkey to land up there
10/30/2006 Scientists discover elephants are able to recognize themselves in mirrors. Lady elephants everywhere heard asking if their ass looks too big
11/01/2006 More government funding is wasted on a topic that any American could have told you for free. Namely, that we're all pretty much sluts
11/01/2006 I feel safer already: Diabetic man goes into coma after airport staff refuses to let him take his insulin on board a flight
11/03/2006 Astronomer proposes cooling Earth by launching trillions of small discs into space to form a vast cloud blocking the sun. Kenny G and Abba CDs solicited
11/03/2006 Oil prices rise on news that someone has pictures of Marcia Cross nekkid
11/03/2006 In latest damning indictment of Bush's handling of the economy, unemployment hits lowest rate in five and a half years
11/04/2006 Seriously, where better to end a naked domestic dispute than at the local Waffle House?
11/04/2006 10 per cent of British men think Chlamydia is the name of a flower and three per cent believe it is a Turkish resort
11/06/2006 The U.S. still won't sign the Kyoto Protocols -- and has done better in reducing emissions than countries that did sign it
11/07/2006 Bored University of Virginia researchers discover that jet-lagged mice live shorter lives. Comes from trying to figure out their frequent flyer program, apparently
11/08/2006 Oil over $59 on American public voting K-Fed out of marriage
11/08/2006 Bee thieves steal thousands of insects in what police call a professional sting
11/14/2006 Reseachers discover that kids can still suffer fatal blows even with protective equipment on during sports. Also advise parents not to take kids outside because a meteorite can fall on them
11/14/2006 Chad declares state of emergency. No word on how Jeremy is doing
11/14/2006 Hamas says it won't recognize Israel. Israel says, "We'll be the ones shooting the rocks out of your hands"
11/15/2006 Poignant moment during Glasgow U2 show: Crowd falls silent while Bono rhythmically claps hands, and announces every time he claps, an African child dies. Until Scotsman in front row roars, "Well stop f***ing doing it then"
11/16/2006 Oil prices fall below $59/barrel on news of Emmitt Smith winning Dancing with the Stars
11/17/2006 Sen. John Edwards speaks out against shopping at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart reveals that Edward tried to cut in line to buy a PS3 from them. Advantage: Wal-Mart
11/20/2006 Gas from New Orleans to Memphis: $75. New home in Memphis for family displaced by Katrina: $75,000. Having the family sell the home without ever moving in: Priceless
11/20/2006 Music City preps for imminent flood from faulty dam. Other cities shudder at the thought of all that refugee honkytonk and badonkydonk
11/21/2006 Bush: "As the Iraqi army stands up, we'll stand down." Generals in charge of training the Iraqi army: "Steven Hawkings has a better chance of standing up than these guys"
11/21/2006 Only 6 in 10 U.S. babies born in wedlock. The rest born in i-really-like-you-a-whole-lot lock
11/22/2006 Oil rises above $60 after news of the lack of a Britney Spears sex tape
11/24/2006 Swedish moose binges on fermented apples, gets drunk, drowns. I'm sure we can figure out some way to blame Bush
11/27/2006 Suspicious note closes Lincoln Memorial. Police suspect Jefferson Memorial is just trying to get visitors again
11/30/2006 British researcher claims four people were scared to death by fairies. Lance Bass unavailable for comment
11/30/2006 Oil hits two month high on news that Britney has been skanking it up with Paris and Lindsay
12/04/2006 Police arrest Mob underboss "Big Cheese" DiNunzio. No gouda at his Kraft. Wined: "Really blue it this time" vows to sharpen skills, cream rivals
12/05/2006 Having removed all guns and knives from the streets, British police tackle the next dangerous weapon: Cricket balls. You'd think something that small wouldn't be dangerous
12/05/2006 Oil spikes over $63 after news of death of George Clooney's pet pig "Max"
12/08/2006 Geese seen flying in asymetrical 'V', causes oil prices to climb above $63/barrel
12/14/2006 When your three-year-old wets his pants, don't put him and his two-year-old sister in the clothes dryer to dry things up. Jailarity will ensue
12/15/2006 And today's highway spill is brought to you by a hornet, hydrochloric acid, and a bunch of people who learned they can run much faster than they thought
12/15/2006 Oil moves to $63 on news that OPEC deciding that $62 is too cheap
12/20/2006 Louisiana couple can't agree which pet chewed their baby's toes off, the pit bull or the ferret, but submitter suspects the child would be better off living in the wild with either breed
12/23/2006 Target takes away Che apparel from stores when exiled Cubans get upset. Makers of "Hitler the Boardgame" reconsider German release
12/23/2006 Increasing number of Illinois residents seeing armadillos, even among those who did not start drinking at breakfast
12/27/2006 Study on elderly mice shows effects of jet lag are worse than we thought. Mice also complain that there's not enough leg room, the food sucks and wish the baby mouse sitting behind them would STFU
12/27/2006 Turtle fart sets off emergency alarms at aquatic center
12/30/2006 "The Fonz," Kabul's fast-talking king of fix-it men and owner of the only convertible in Afghanistan found dead. Pinky Tuscadero inconsolable
