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Governor Rod with Liutenant Governor Pat Quinn





In yet another stunning and expensive election year proposal, Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich has officially declared he is going to WRECK Illinois. The acronym stands for WE'LL RAISE EVERY CHICAGO KID. "Since we are already proposing feedin', clothin', edukatin', doctorin', burpin' and diaper changin' services for every Illinois child we figured we might as well just go all out," says the Guv, "if we could, we'd have the state government give birth to the children too. Ceptin'we do'n know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies."

Although details of the program are sketchy, it appears that the State plans on taking every three year old child living in Chicago from their parents and giving them to downstate families to raise. "You just know those good God-fearin', Republicans in downstate Paducah, Evansville, Hannibal and Keokuk are already paying plenty of taxes. So, instead of raising taxes to raise the children we're just cutting out the middle man and giving downstaters the actual children to rear themselves. Cheryle Jackson, spokesperson for the Governor's office later clarified the Governor's statement, "Clearly, the Governor misspoke when he indicated Paducah was in Illinois when everyone knows it is in Tennessee." When presented with a map showing that none of the cities the Governor mentioned were actually in Illinois Jackson shouted "What is this! Some sort of political witch hunt?" and stormed out of the press room.

Republicans immediately questioned the cost of the program not to mention the morality of taking children from their parents. "The only reason the GOP wants to know how much this costs is because they are racist, Zionist pigs," said Claudette Marie Johnson, a member of the Governor's Commission on Discrimination and Hate Crimes. Ms Johnson, who is also known as Sister Claudette Marie Muhammad, is the minister of protocol for Louis Farrakhan's Nation of Islam. "It's high time the Jews and the whites paid for their sins against people of color. So, the cost don't matter. Understand." When pressed further on the issue Sister Claudette shouted "What is this! Some sort of religious prosecution? Islamophobes!" and stormed out of the press room.

Senate President Emil Jones sees no problems with the bill making it through the Democratic controlled Illinois House and Senate. "Sees, if des Govma wan des he oonga gong ben get whe tay ho ley botchka" stated Jones. Roughly translated by the official state appointed interpreter for Jones so the English speaking public can understand him, "what the Governor wants, the Governor gets." When details about the program and the cost were requested, Jones seemed not to comprehend. However, after a quick translation, Jones shouted "Wa dis! ishkabibble shadrach mesach abednigo" and stormed out of the press room. Even the translator was not sure about what he said but he thought it was something like "feet don't fail me now."

Furious Chicagoans who actually want to keep their children rallied in front of the Governor's mansion, which sits empty as Blagojevich resides in southern France, were met by the Governor himself. "Look we all know you poor city folk can't raise your kids so the State is going to do it for you, just like everything else." "Besides, downstaters have the time because all they do is sit around picking their teeth with a piece of hay" When his comments were met with shouts of derisive anger the Governor shouted "What's this! Some sort of anger about one of my ill conceived, costly and idiotic programs....er, YEAH.....I've got a plane to catch to Paris"

Illinois? shouted a reporter. "There's a Paris in Illinois? Who knew," marveled the Governor.