Saturday, September 17, 2005
WHEN BUTTERFLIES ATTACK
It has been a very long, hot summer. Too hot maybe. What does that mean, well, I don't really know as it has nothing to do with the tale I am about to relate or maybe it has everything to do with the tale I am about to relate, I'll let you decide.
After pulling the car into the garage the other night, I got out, of course because I was not going to spend the night in the garage you see. As I was leaving through the front of the garage to get the flags in, I notice what looked to be an injured monarch butterfly lying in the driveway. Now, I figured I had either run over the monarch on the way in, the monarch had spent the last ten minutes being a cat toy for Miss Emmy our kitty, or had become attached to the front of the vehicle as I was driving home in a failed attempt by the butterfly to recreate Leonardo DiCaprio's "king of the world" scene from Titanic(by the way, I rooted for the iceberg)
I bent over and reached to pick it up as butterflies are one of the few "bugs" of which I am not deathly, scream like a little girl afraid. Until the other night that is. The monarch, evidently faking the injury much like a professional soccer player, leapt into flight from the concrete. I swear I saw fangs dripping blood as the possibly rabid insect flew at my face. Since I am still able to move like the wind at 41(or maybe that is break wind?) I dodged the orange and black satin missile, but just narrowly. The butterfly flew high above and then like a kamikaze pilot from WWII dove at me, the helpless hulking battleship. Once again I dodged just in time. Do battleships scream? I then proceeded to run out the side door as the butterfly proceeded to throw things around in the garage. I'm not quite sure but I think it tried to start the lawn mower.
Then silence, I peeked in the side door. KEY PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC The butterfly flew at me, this time actually brushing my face as I stumbled back out into the yard, flailing my arms in the air. I'm surprised the neighbors did not call 9-1-1. Um, Hello, 911 Mr Stock is over in his back yard and, um is quite possibly, um, uh having a seizure. Are you sure he is not just doing a raindance. Well, he is a little strange but we are pretty sure........the phone line goes dead as the Monarch from hell cuts the wires........I managed to make it into the safety of my home. I used the remote to close the door.
KEY THEME FROM JAWS The next morning was bright and sunny. It was calm. Too calm. Even though last night I had looked into the face of danger, I suffer from short-term memory loss which I attribute to being raised as a Cubs fan, I was blissfully unaware this beautiful morning. Too blissfully unaware.
MORE JAWS MUSIC I approach the garage with the voice of Martika screaming in my head, step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall doooown, like tooooy soldiers, I walked through the side door in the garage. Now, if you have seen the movie Halloween, the original not the 20 or so sequels, serial killer bait teen number one goes out to her car, she forgets the keys, goes back, gets the keys and proceeds to open the door without using them. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She sits there, looks at the front windshield which is all fogged over, and thinks hey, this car wasn't even locked. DEAD MEAT GIRLFRIEND! Well, I was butterfly bait as soon as I walked in the door. I paused as I pressed the button to open the front, I left this door open last night which means.....KEY SHARK ATTACK MUSIC There it was, hammer in hand, flying towards me. BUTTERFLY FROM HELL!!!!! I actually fell down trying to get out of the garage, which is probably what saved me from a direct hit. I then got up and proceeded to run in and out the doors of the garage with the butterfly hot on my heels. Feet don't fail me now.
ARTHUR EMTS: 911 dispatch
My neighbors: Um, yeah, we live here on Poplar Street and our neighbor Mr, um, Stock
ARTHUR EMTS: sigh
My neighbors: Well, he is being attacked, by, um, what is that honey....oh, um, yes a danaus plexippus
ARTHUR EMTS: You watch your mouth. A what?
My neighbor: A damn monarch butterfly
ARTHUR EMTS: Sir, are you off your meds again?
I have contemplated, lo these past few days, about just what caused this unwarranted attack. Some would probably say global warming because they believe in junk science that fits their political goals. Others would find a religious meaning and quote the Bible, "and so it was, God was ticked, and yeah he sent the butterfly to smote those that needed the smoting..." Many would blame President Bush because they are perhaps more insane than the butterfly. Drinking? Drugs? A troubled home life? The breakup and subsequent reunion and subsequent re-breakup of the GoGo's? Who knows.
Personally, I think he let me live so I could tell the tale. My ordeal could serve as a warning to others perhaps. So, on a bright sunny day with the young uns gathered round I could recount my horrifying struggle with the KILLAH BUTTAFLY. Their eyes wide with wonder and a whole new respect for the species. Meanwhile, I live with one eye to the sky, they may float like a butterfly but STING LIKE A BEE.
KEY SHARK MUSIC ONE MORE TIME!!
After pulling the car into the garage the other night, I got out, of course because I was not going to spend the night in the garage you see. As I was leaving through the front of the garage to get the flags in, I notice what looked to be an injured monarch butterfly lying in the driveway. Now, I figured I had either run over the monarch on the way in, the monarch had spent the last ten minutes being a cat toy for Miss Emmy our kitty, or had become attached to the front of the vehicle as I was driving home in a failed attempt by the butterfly to recreate Leonardo DiCaprio's "king of the world" scene from Titanic(by the way, I rooted for the iceberg)
I bent over and reached to pick it up as butterflies are one of the few "bugs" of which I am not deathly, scream like a little girl afraid. Until the other night that is. The monarch, evidently faking the injury much like a professional soccer player, leapt into flight from the concrete. I swear I saw fangs dripping blood as the possibly rabid insect flew at my face. Since I am still able to move like the wind at 41(or maybe that is break wind?) I dodged the orange and black satin missile, but just narrowly. The butterfly flew high above and then like a kamikaze pilot from WWII dove at me, the helpless hulking battleship. Once again I dodged just in time. Do battleships scream? I then proceeded to run out the side door as the butterfly proceeded to throw things around in the garage. I'm not quite sure but I think it tried to start the lawn mower.
Then silence, I peeked in the side door. KEY PSYCHO SHOWER SCENE MUSIC The butterfly flew at me, this time actually brushing my face as I stumbled back out into the yard, flailing my arms in the air. I'm surprised the neighbors did not call 9-1-1. Um, Hello, 911 Mr Stock is over in his back yard and, um is quite possibly, um, uh having a seizure. Are you sure he is not just doing a raindance. Well, he is a little strange but we are pretty sure........the phone line goes dead as the Monarch from hell cuts the wires........I managed to make it into the safety of my home. I used the remote to close the door.
KEY THEME FROM JAWS The next morning was bright and sunny. It was calm. Too calm. Even though last night I had looked into the face of danger, I suffer from short-term memory loss which I attribute to being raised as a Cubs fan, I was blissfully unaware this beautiful morning. Too blissfully unaware.
MORE JAWS MUSIC I approach the garage with the voice of Martika screaming in my head, step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall doooown, like tooooy soldiers, I walked through the side door in the garage. Now, if you have seen the movie Halloween, the original not the 20 or so sequels, serial killer bait teen number one goes out to her car, she forgets the keys, goes back, gets the keys and proceeds to open the door without using them. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. She sits there, looks at the front windshield which is all fogged over, and thinks hey, this car wasn't even locked. DEAD MEAT GIRLFRIEND! Well, I was butterfly bait as soon as I walked in the door. I paused as I pressed the button to open the front, I left this door open last night which means.....KEY SHARK ATTACK MUSIC There it was, hammer in hand, flying towards me. BUTTERFLY FROM HELL!!!!! I actually fell down trying to get out of the garage, which is probably what saved me from a direct hit. I then got up and proceeded to run in and out the doors of the garage with the butterfly hot on my heels. Feet don't fail me now.
ARTHUR EMTS: 911 dispatch
My neighbors: Um, yeah, we live here on Poplar Street and our neighbor Mr, um, Stock
ARTHUR EMTS: sigh
My neighbors: Well, he is being attacked, by, um, what is that honey....oh, um, yes a danaus plexippus
ARTHUR EMTS: You watch your mouth. A what?
My neighbor: A damn monarch butterfly
ARTHUR EMTS: Sir, are you off your meds again?
I have contemplated, lo these past few days, about just what caused this unwarranted attack. Some would probably say global warming because they believe in junk science that fits their political goals. Others would find a religious meaning and quote the Bible, "and so it was, God was ticked, and yeah he sent the butterfly to smote those that needed the smoting..." Many would blame President Bush because they are perhaps more insane than the butterfly. Drinking? Drugs? A troubled home life? The breakup and subsequent reunion and subsequent re-breakup of the GoGo's? Who knows.
Personally, I think he let me live so I could tell the tale. My ordeal could serve as a warning to others perhaps. So, on a bright sunny day with the young uns gathered round I could recount my horrifying struggle with the KILLAH BUTTAFLY. Their eyes wide with wonder and a whole new respect for the species. Meanwhile, I live with one eye to the sky, they may float like a butterfly but STING LIKE A BEE.
KEY SHARK MUSIC ONE MORE TIME!!
