Monday, August 08, 2005
WORKPLACE TIP: HOW TO AVOID BEING A "SECRET PAL"
"You simply must be in our secret pal drawing this year," gushed a co-worker, "you just have to." Um, no I most definitely do not. I guess I would not mind it so much if I did not work with several chronological adults who became socially and developmentally delayed at the grade school level. Besides, many of the people participating in these gift fests do so out of some pathological need for recognition or a sadistic desire to look down upon the largesse they receive from strangers.
Let's discuss some types of gift exchangers shall we:
The OVER GIVER
Gives gifts on Grounhogs Day and Flag Day and St Philomena's day. Usually they cannot keep their "altruism" a secret for the entire year. May either have a nervous breakdown before the year is up or try to kill you if you don't show the appropriate amount of respect for their surplus of giving.
The WHY DID I GET HER/HIS NAME GIVER
Draws someone's name they don't like, and the list for this person of "don't likes" is usually very long. May pretend to forget about the whole secret pal concept in the first place or contend their name was maliciously inserted into the hat without their knowledge. Or, enjoys getting lame crap for people they don't care for just for kicks.(and not just to get out of giving gifts entirely, they actually enjoy this)
The LATE GIVEROften forgets holidays and your birthday gift may be several months late. You may never find out at the end of the year who the person is and that might be just as well. Still, they LOVES to participate!
The UNAPPRECIATIVE RECEIVER
This person disdains any gift. They could receive gold bullion or stock in Microsoft as their gift and they will find some reason to find fault or not be happy. The combination between this person and the over giver makes for tons of office drama!
The DE JA GIVERAs in deja vu, the gifts you would be getting this year look strangely like the gifts they got from their secret pal last year. It is really bad if you get greeting cards that have white out on them.....
The GUILT TRIP GIVERFinancially strapped, they foolishly signed up for this thing and complain constantly about how much this "costs". They like for the person who is their secret pal to know that their kids are going hungry so they could get them Valentine chocolates.
If you are ever forced into one of these things, here are some sure-fire gifts that will keep anyone in the office from ever asking you to participate again:
1) Compost. Seeds. Clay pot.
You can claim environmental consciousness and who can argue with that. Give them seeds to a marijuana plant and then call the cops a few months later. No more gifts for the rest of the year, maybe ever if this is not their first offense!
2) Homemade stuff
Knit them a sweater. Make them some potholders(see number one!) Make it loud and make it poorly. Practice the guilt trip giver routine. You won't hear a peep out of 'em.
3) Chia pet. For EVERY holiday, be an overgifter. CH-CH-CH CHIA!
4) Coupons. You can get some cheap fancy paper and paste the coupons on them to "doll" them up a little. So give that middle aged white woman a coupon to Sistah Curl and see if she will actually go. Tatoo parlors and bars are also good ideas.
5) IOU's. Nothing says I don't want to do this like an I O U.
6) Knockoff Music. Find out what music they like and get the cheap knock off CD's without the original artist performing the music. Act like you don't know any better(which is very similar to acting like you don't care....Which you don't)
7) Personal hygiene items. Keep it above the belt sunshine or you'll have a harassment suit staring you in the face. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a green bottle of Scope with a red ribbon.
8) Funky candy. Don't get your holiday M&M's or Hershey's kisses. Get some funky brand, foreign if possible, and act like it is some big deal. It may taste like crap but, hey, it's imported
9) Books. First, how many of your co-workers like to read, how many CAN read? On the off-chance they are literate, get some boring text like the HISTORY OF THE ACORN or some other such nonsense. Give them a "first run" copy of your autobiography....
10) Pictures/Artwork. Tell them it is a collectors item, and hell, it may be from your fourth grader's art class. Take pics of them at work and put them into a collage. Here you are with the stapler. Here you are at the copier. Here you are asleep at your desk and drooling on the supe's memo...Take pictures of them at home and you'll get your butt fired, stalker.
Of course, you can always, JUST SAY NO, and make Nancy Reagan and I proud.
Let's discuss some types of gift exchangers shall we:
The OVER GIVER
Gives gifts on Grounhogs Day and Flag Day and St Philomena's day. Usually they cannot keep their "altruism" a secret for the entire year. May either have a nervous breakdown before the year is up or try to kill you if you don't show the appropriate amount of respect for their surplus of giving.
The WHY DID I GET HER/HIS NAME GIVER
Draws someone's name they don't like, and the list for this person of "don't likes" is usually very long. May pretend to forget about the whole secret pal concept in the first place or contend their name was maliciously inserted into the hat without their knowledge. Or, enjoys getting lame crap for people they don't care for just for kicks.(and not just to get out of giving gifts entirely, they actually enjoy this)
The LATE GIVEROften forgets holidays and your birthday gift may be several months late. You may never find out at the end of the year who the person is and that might be just as well. Still, they LOVES to participate!
The UNAPPRECIATIVE RECEIVER
This person disdains any gift. They could receive gold bullion or stock in Microsoft as their gift and they will find some reason to find fault or not be happy. The combination between this person and the over giver makes for tons of office drama!
The DE JA GIVERAs in deja vu, the gifts you would be getting this year look strangely like the gifts they got from their secret pal last year. It is really bad if you get greeting cards that have white out on them.....
The GUILT TRIP GIVERFinancially strapped, they foolishly signed up for this thing and complain constantly about how much this "costs". They like for the person who is their secret pal to know that their kids are going hungry so they could get them Valentine chocolates.
If you are ever forced into one of these things, here are some sure-fire gifts that will keep anyone in the office from ever asking you to participate again:
1) Compost. Seeds. Clay pot.
You can claim environmental consciousness and who can argue with that. Give them seeds to a marijuana plant and then call the cops a few months later. No more gifts for the rest of the year, maybe ever if this is not their first offense!
2) Homemade stuff
Knit them a sweater. Make them some potholders(see number one!) Make it loud and make it poorly. Practice the guilt trip giver routine. You won't hear a peep out of 'em.
3) Chia pet. For EVERY holiday, be an overgifter. CH-CH-CH CHIA!
4) Coupons. You can get some cheap fancy paper and paste the coupons on them to "doll" them up a little. So give that middle aged white woman a coupon to Sistah Curl and see if she will actually go. Tatoo parlors and bars are also good ideas.
5) IOU's. Nothing says I don't want to do this like an I O U.
6) Knockoff Music. Find out what music they like and get the cheap knock off CD's without the original artist performing the music. Act like you don't know any better(which is very similar to acting like you don't care....Which you don't)
7) Personal hygiene items. Keep it above the belt sunshine or you'll have a harassment suit staring you in the face. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a green bottle of Scope with a red ribbon.
8) Funky candy. Don't get your holiday M&M's or Hershey's kisses. Get some funky brand, foreign if possible, and act like it is some big deal. It may taste like crap but, hey, it's imported
9) Books. First, how many of your co-workers like to read, how many CAN read? On the off-chance they are literate, get some boring text like the HISTORY OF THE ACORN or some other such nonsense. Give them a "first run" copy of your autobiography....
10) Pictures/Artwork. Tell them it is a collectors item, and hell, it may be from your fourth grader's art class. Take pics of them at work and put them into a collage. Here you are with the stapler. Here you are at the copier. Here you are asleep at your desk and drooling on the supe's memo...Take pictures of them at home and you'll get your butt fired, stalker.
Of course, you can always, JUST SAY NO, and make Nancy Reagan and I proud.
