Saturday, April 23, 2005
Bolton to Replace Bolton as US Ambassador to the UN
WASHINGTON DC- John R Bolton, the President's embattled nominee to be the next United States ambassador to the United Nations has withdrawn his name from consideration for the post citing personal reasons. "I can make a ton of money in the private sector and I won't have to put up with the b.s. from those (rectum pits) in the US Senate," shouted Bolton.
The angry response is typical of why the Democrats on the Senate Foreign Relations Committe have united in their opposition to the Bolton nomination, or so they say. "John Bolton is a tyrant, who was mean to his subordinates," screeched Senator Joseph "my time" Biden, "he's a nazi, he's hysterical, he beats his wife AND HIS DOG" continued the nearly apoplectic Senator, and veteran of mutliple-failed Presidential campaigns. "Besides he's a Republican," hissed the Senator in full hissy fit mode himself.
Barbara "i'm no dog" Boxer and Christopher "robin" Dodd, both Democrats, somehow convinced George "rhymes with vitch" Voinovich to vote against Bolton because of the incongruence of colors in Mr. Bolton's hair and mustache. The three actually requested to run their fingers thru the nominees hair to find traces of either dye or to see if they could pull "the piece" off entirely. According to Boxer, she "doesn't trust a man in a wig, unless of course it is a fabulous San Francisco drag queen doing a killer impersonation of Cher."
The White House, seemingly unaware of who they had actually nominated, immediately decided to replace John Bolton with singer Michael Bolton. White House spokesperson Scott McLellan announced "tracking polls show Michael Bolton's name recognition much higher than John Bolton's," he continued "middle-aged, hormonal-crazed soccer Moms(a key demographic group) are much more likely to take their panties off and throw them at Michael than John. That is what we are looking for at the UN. We are tired of being so unpopular."
"Imagine the reaction of the female ambassadors from Sri Lanka, Sweden and Bolivia when our new appointee to the post sings When a Man Loves a Woman gushed Senator Lincoln "i have a rash" Chafee of Rhode Island. Added Senator Boxer, "he could be my Soul Provider any time." "Mine too," giggled Senator Chuck "the bagel" Hagel, "rowwrrrr", making fictional claws in the air.
When President Bush was finally reached for comment he stated "Michael is a fine American icon what with the glove and the moonwalk thing.....once he takes care of this pedophilionomics business, well we got ourselves a new UN ambassador". The President was last seen with his Ipod walking across the White House lawn singing, "Billie Jean is not my lover........"
The angry response is typical of why the Democrats on the Senate Foreign Relations Committe have united in their opposition to the Bolton nomination, or so they say. "John Bolton is a tyrant, who was mean to his subordinates," screeched Senator Joseph "my time" Biden, "he's a nazi, he's hysterical, he beats his wife AND HIS DOG" continued the nearly apoplectic Senator, and veteran of mutliple-failed Presidential campaigns. "Besides he's a Republican," hissed the Senator in full hissy fit mode himself.
Barbara "i'm no dog" Boxer and Christopher "robin" Dodd, both Democrats, somehow convinced George "rhymes with vitch" Voinovich to vote against Bolton because of the incongruence of colors in Mr. Bolton's hair and mustache. The three actually requested to run their fingers thru the nominees hair to find traces of either dye or to see if they could pull "the piece" off entirely. According to Boxer, she "doesn't trust a man in a wig, unless of course it is a fabulous San Francisco drag queen doing a killer impersonation of Cher."
The White House, seemingly unaware of who they had actually nominated, immediately decided to replace John Bolton with singer Michael Bolton. White House spokesperson Scott McLellan announced "tracking polls show Michael Bolton's name recognition much higher than John Bolton's," he continued "middle-aged, hormonal-crazed soccer Moms(a key demographic group) are much more likely to take their panties off and throw them at Michael than John. That is what we are looking for at the UN. We are tired of being so unpopular."
"Imagine the reaction of the female ambassadors from Sri Lanka, Sweden and Bolivia when our new appointee to the post sings When a Man Loves a Woman gushed Senator Lincoln "i have a rash" Chafee of Rhode Island. Added Senator Boxer, "he could be my Soul Provider any time." "Mine too," giggled Senator Chuck "the bagel" Hagel, "rowwrrrr", making fictional claws in the air.
When President Bush was finally reached for comment he stated "Michael is a fine American icon what with the glove and the moonwalk thing.....once he takes care of this pedophilionomics business, well we got ourselves a new UN ambassador". The President was last seen with his Ipod walking across the White House lawn singing, "Billie Jean is not my lover........"
