Wednesday, March 15, 2006
LOUISIANA FAMILY FOUND IN CYPRESS MULCH
Winthrop Q Thornberry III of Newport, RI received more than he expected when his order of mulch arrived from the local landscaping company. "My gardener came running in the house almost hysterical. I knew something must be seriously amiss because he used the front door."
The gardener, Pablo, who would not divulge his last name due to paperwork "issues" with Uncle Sam, said "Oh, senor, I was unpacking mulch and putting it around the trees, si, and aye carumba, I thought I hear it speak." What the gardener heard was the voices of LeBron Jackson, Loquesha Brown, and two unidentified children.
"I was saying, hey taco breath, get me the hell out of this ****," recalled Brown. "We was tole by Gov Blanco, that we's had to leave the hotel. I said no way you crazy white *****. Then she give us Platinum Visa cards from those boobs at FEMA and she tells us that there be five thousand dollars credit limit. Fo each, of us? I axed. Yes. Well sign me the **** up."
According to Jackson and Brown, they along with the children were then put on a pallet with the Visa cards, a supply of drinking water and some MRE's as a mulch coccoon was built around them. They were given a number to call FEMA upon arriving at their destination which they were lead to believe would be Florida. "**** and here we is in News England. What the **** is up with that." an obviously distraught Jackson railed.
The FEMA contact number they had been given was disconnected. When this reporter tried to contact FEMA, there was no answer. I then went to Washington DC and found FEMA headquarters to be locked up tighter than a drum. I peered in the window and could see literally dozens of bureaucrats seemingly attempting to hide behind their desks. Someone even abruptly turned out the lights. Finally, a frail old woman came to the door and screeched "GO AWAY! We don't want any!" and then added "I'm going to call the police".
Inquiries to the White House regarding those displaced by Katrina were answered by the President himself. "You know after that great hit, Walkin on Sunshine, I don't really know what happened to her or the Waves. It is a terrible tragedy tho because they seemed to be so talented. But as Amuricans, they deserve our respect and our support even if they were only one hit wonders."
Mayor Nagin of New Orleans offered up little information himself regarding the matter. "You see New Orleans is like a chocolate sundae. 'Ceptin we want our new sundae to be without nuts," said Nagin. Inquiries to Kathleen Blanco, Louisiana governor, were met with a burst of tears and the Governor actually throwing herself on the floor of her recently million-dollar refurbished office and wailing, while beating her fists on the floor, "where's the money, where's George Bush, where's my political career?"
Meanwhile, Jackson, Brown and the two as yet unidentified children were living in the pool house at the Thornberry estate. Evidently Mr Thornberry was presented with paperwork he signed when receiving the delivery of mulch that indicated he was to be responsible for all contents within said mulch, including the human portion. "I say, I will really have the attorney look into this. This whole affair has completely put me off my golf game you know. I thought the whole point of being a rich American was so that you would not ever have to deal with other human beings below your social level except in terms of an employer/employee relationship."
The only person seemingly pleased with the whole situation was Cornelia Appleberry Thornberry, of the Memphis Appleberry's, third and much younger wife of Winthrop. "Why I have seen that wonderful Mr Jackson out by the pool without his shirt, and I must say that my first thought was that I should show him that southern hospitality is alive and well here in the North." She then made some sort of reference to fudge ripple and a banana split.
As it turns out, those displaced by the hurricane have been turning up in mulch deliveries all over the country. Including the home of DC "shadow" Senator, the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson ended up with Goober and Bobbi Jo Rubadubadeux and their 13 children when a delivery of mulch was made to his Chicago home. "God must surely have seen fit to punish me with this cracker family". Warned Jackson, "buyer beware is all I have to say."
The gardener, Pablo, who would not divulge his last name due to paperwork "issues" with Uncle Sam, said "Oh, senor, I was unpacking mulch and putting it around the trees, si, and aye carumba, I thought I hear it speak." What the gardener heard was the voices of LeBron Jackson, Loquesha Brown, and two unidentified children.
"I was saying, hey taco breath, get me the hell out of this ****," recalled Brown. "We was tole by Gov Blanco, that we's had to leave the hotel. I said no way you crazy white *****. Then she give us Platinum Visa cards from those boobs at FEMA and she tells us that there be five thousand dollars credit limit. Fo each, of us? I axed. Yes. Well sign me the **** up."
According to Jackson and Brown, they along with the children were then put on a pallet with the Visa cards, a supply of drinking water and some MRE's as a mulch coccoon was built around them. They were given a number to call FEMA upon arriving at their destination which they were lead to believe would be Florida. "**** and here we is in News England. What the **** is up with that." an obviously distraught Jackson railed.
The FEMA contact number they had been given was disconnected. When this reporter tried to contact FEMA, there was no answer. I then went to Washington DC and found FEMA headquarters to be locked up tighter than a drum. I peered in the window and could see literally dozens of bureaucrats seemingly attempting to hide behind their desks. Someone even abruptly turned out the lights. Finally, a frail old woman came to the door and screeched "GO AWAY! We don't want any!" and then added "I'm going to call the police".
Inquiries to the White House regarding those displaced by Katrina were answered by the President himself. "You know after that great hit, Walkin on Sunshine, I don't really know what happened to her or the Waves. It is a terrible tragedy tho because they seemed to be so talented. But as Amuricans, they deserve our respect and our support even if they were only one hit wonders."
Mayor Nagin of New Orleans offered up little information himself regarding the matter. "You see New Orleans is like a chocolate sundae. 'Ceptin we want our new sundae to be without nuts," said Nagin. Inquiries to Kathleen Blanco, Louisiana governor, were met with a burst of tears and the Governor actually throwing herself on the floor of her recently million-dollar refurbished office and wailing, while beating her fists on the floor, "where's the money, where's George Bush, where's my political career?"
Meanwhile, Jackson, Brown and the two as yet unidentified children were living in the pool house at the Thornberry estate. Evidently Mr Thornberry was presented with paperwork he signed when receiving the delivery of mulch that indicated he was to be responsible for all contents within said mulch, including the human portion. "I say, I will really have the attorney look into this. This whole affair has completely put me off my golf game you know. I thought the whole point of being a rich American was so that you would not ever have to deal with other human beings below your social level except in terms of an employer/employee relationship."
The only person seemingly pleased with the whole situation was Cornelia Appleberry Thornberry, of the Memphis Appleberry's, third and much younger wife of Winthrop. "Why I have seen that wonderful Mr Jackson out by the pool without his shirt, and I must say that my first thought was that I should show him that southern hospitality is alive and well here in the North." She then made some sort of reference to fudge ripple and a banana split.
As it turns out, those displaced by the hurricane have been turning up in mulch deliveries all over the country. Including the home of DC "shadow" Senator, the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson ended up with Goober and Bobbi Jo Rubadubadeux and their 13 children when a delivery of mulch was made to his Chicago home. "God must surely have seen fit to punish me with this cracker family". Warned Jackson, "buyer beware is all I have to say."
